The Price of Peace

“A peacemaker does not mean a peaceful person.”

— Lanza del Vasto, Italian philosopher (1801-1981)

Peace as defined is a freedom from disturbance and a feeling of tranquility. Truth be told, when it comes to “peace”, a false sense of security is all there really is. We pursue peace thinking this is where we can be the most effective in our relationships and be the optimum to become our best self as a man. 

There is a hidden danger when peace resides undisturbed in your life. It is said the faster men sleep through life and the more secure they are, the greater the risk. Principalities of evil ruins men by rocking them asleep during time of serenity, flattering them into a good opinion of their own safety and so bringing them to drop their guard and fear nothing. This is when the evil of this world robs men of our strength, honor and dignity.

When we understand that peace is not so much an absence of misfortune, but the result of how we respond consciously and rationally to any crisis, then we can weather any and all types of downpour safely within the security of our own intellectual and emotional storm shelter. There, in spite of the turmoil that may surround us, we can be insulated enough to reflect on the wisdom that reminds us there are times when fear or absence of peace is actually a good thing for us men, because its during this time when a defensive posture acts as a Watchman at the heart’s controls to monitor our level of stress and emotional stamina.

Maintaining peace doesn’t always mean being silent or staying “under the radar”. It requires courage to engage in a level of disagreement necessary to stand your ground for integrity and stability for more than just yourself in order to minimize the damages the actions of others can bring to you and your household. The prerequisite of peace is bravery to confront that which threatens harmony within your sphere of influence. One drawn sword keeps another’s sheathed.

If we fall for deceptive thinking that material or relational possessions is what will lead us towards a life of peace and tranquillity, we will soon find out the more we value things outside of our control, the less control we actually have. If we choose to do nothing to contribute towards peace in our lives and just stand by to let providence and hope take its course, then we will also find out when its much too late that wishful thinking can be the worst of all evils, because it can also prolong the torments we experience.

I realize there is so much that is out of our control when it comes to finding and managing peace in our lives, so then what can we do as men to find more of it? How can we develop into being not only peacemakers, but also peace keepers? It starts with realizing that the independence of our actions are also what necessitates laws to safeguard us from ourselves. We need to understand the gravity of our choices as we pursue true peace in our life. There are two freedoms - the false where a man can do what he likes; the true, where he is free to do as he ought.

When you rush into situations to create a false sense of peace and security, there will be little wonder why you become vulnerable to more unrest. Peace cannot be achieved by chance or force, only by understanding and moral truths. Next is knowing that you cannot experience peace without providing it because there is no pathway to peace, it is what you’ll need to start with to achieve it. Peace is not an absence of conflict but the ability to cope with it. There is no inner peace without outer peace and the concept of “trying” will create trials and tribulations, whereas the act of “doing” will provide growth and opportunity.

My fellow man, you have two basic options; deny the unpredictability of life and create your own false sense of security, or accept the vagaries of life and learn to live with them. It’s not about finding yourself, but more about creating yourself. What you leave behind is not what is engraved in a headstone, but what is planted into the lives of others.

Chivalry

“A gentlemen is someone who does not what he wants to do, but what he should do.”

— Haruki Murakami

You know what I hate? I mean besides liver and onions? It’s when people call me “old fashioned”. Granted, my choice of fashion and music does not include men’s “rompers” or songs that need interpreting from one of my grandchildren. I believe “old fashioned” holds the foundational character values that are learned from generation to generation and have nothing to do with modern culture or trends. Let me give you a few examples of what I’m talking about outside the obvious “please”, “thank you” and “you’re welcome” etiquette. Let’s talk about chivalry.

Now as men, the burden is totally on us to not only practice it, but to excuse the unappreciated stares of those on the receiving end who don’t know what courteous treatment is anymore. There have been numerous times I have held the door open for ladies who either give me a suspicious look or ignore my effort as if I was the doorman to their luxury penthouse.

Does that discourage my chivalrous attempts? Maybe a little, but it says much more about them, then who I’m trying to be. Being married gives me many opportunities to both fail and succeed in my gallantry. Fortunately for me my wife views me just as God does, by remembering that “I am but dust” and won’t hold me to unnecessarily high standards. But from the day we started dating, I have always made it a point to open doors for my wife, any and all types of doors regardless of weight, color, or forest creed. To me, this is one of the hundreds of opportunities I’m given each day to be the old fashioned romantic and classic gentleman in my journey to be the better man. 

I remember a story I read that always hit home. It was about a man who learned a hard lesson on chivalry much too late. He wrote about how his wife would often ask him why he doesn’t open the car door for her anymore like he did when they were dating. He would downplay it by saying, “well honey, there’s a lot we don’t do anymore after years of marriage”, or “you always get there before I do”, or “my hands were full”. What he didn’t hear was a small request, from the one he promised to love and cherish for the rest of his life, for a small token of chivalry for her to feel special, not to the world, but to him.

Well, time went on and every now and then she would drop hints on how nice it would be to open her door at least once in awhile. Eventually the hints and playful ribbing stopped. Flash forward years later, his wife became seriously ill and eventually passed away. He goes on to describe the funeral service and the pain of losing the one you love and recalling the heartwarming moments of their life together.

The one moment that was a painful reminder of regrets and missed opportunities, was while they were exiting the church after the memorial service. He walked with the coffin behind the funeral director who was maneuvering the casket to transport her for the burial service, once they reached the back of the hearse, the director asked him if he could please open the door. At that moment, the thousands of missed opportunities for such a simple and selfless act pierced his heart and brought him to his knees.

Unfortunately, these days men hear more about how to replace the “keg” in your belly with a “six-pack” and the best way to enlarge your triceps and flacktoids (if there is such a muscle), than learning how to be a man of simple virtues like honor, integrity and being a gentleman.  We as men are on our own personal journey to become a better man until our last breath on earth and what we do on this journey is totally up to us. I just have to remind myself that it isn’t about leaving the impression of a gentleman which is for the benefit of others, but a much larger purpose, which is for my benefit in learning to be a better man.