Honesty

“A half truth is a whole lie.”

— Yiddish Proverb

Everyone loves an honest man, but there’s another side to that double-edged sword. Honesty without discretion could be damaging and counter-productive. I’ve heard the phrase hundreds of times “I call it like I see it, that’s just who I am” used as an imaginary mantle of true character. Is it? We all know someone who takes pride in their courage to be brutally honest “for the sake of others”, but if their message isn’t undergirded with love and discretion, it becomes offensive and the truth they’re trying to relay, as repulsive and lacking sympathy for the offender’s oversight.

A tried and true guide for character is the Book of Proverbs which was written “for attaining wisdom and discipline; for understanding words of insight; for acquiring a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is right and just and fair.” Solomon, the author, was the King of Israel from 970-931 BC and the most wisest man to ever live. He tells us honesty isn’t only about being truthful with the facts, but it also means keeping your word with others. I remember when a man’s handshake or spoken commitment was worth more than the contracts we see written today that have to include ‘fine print’ to compensate for a person’s lapse of judgement or bent towards greed. 

When dealing with an honest person, you don’t have to worry about loopholes or the keen eye of a lawyer to uncover any hidden intent, all you need to know is their word is gold. That’s who I want to be. When I give my word, it puts me in a position to move from an external agreement to an internal covenant that sets me up for future opportunities where honesty is crucial and rewarding. Today’s society mistakenly defines honesty as a subjective strategic prowess that promotes winning at all costs. Sure, you may win that one situation but you’ve sacrificed integrity and honor and have broken yourself against the rules of manhood; to be the better man and influence the strength of character in others.

Fortunately there are many equalizers that put men on the same playing field, regardless if you’re over or under six feet tall, the muscle bound guy on the beach or the one who gets sand kicked in his face. Honesty is one of those equalizers and becomes more effective as you learn to communicate the brutal truth with loving discretion. “Honey, does this dress make me look fat?” isn’t a booby trap to test your honesty, it’s an opportunity to practice discretion in a loving way if the answer really isn’t what they were hoping for. “Oh no babe, you make that outfit look great!” Am I being totally honest if I hold back some truth at that moment? Maybe, but it’s for a bigger purpose of making someone feel better about themselves, learning how to use loving consideration and not ruining a perfectly fine evening.

An intentional lack of honesty points out a deeper flaw which is the ability to commit to the truth. If there is a lack of commitment in one part of your life, chances are the lack of commitment will also show up in other areas that define your character. Honesty is not just the absence of lying, but being trustworthy, loyal and sincere in what you say and do and impacts your personal and business relationships. Want to trust and be trusted? Want to reduce stress in your life? Tell the truth, not only by the reason, but also by the heart.

How do you hone the discipline of honesty? Start with yourself. When accused of being insensitive to others is your first response rationalizing your actions or admitting it could be in the realm of possibilities you were inconsiderate. When asked to tell what really happened, you are given the chance to build upon a foundation of honesty. Here’s an opportunity to not only build integrity, but to also fortify the character you want to be remembered by and model the highly sought after virtue you’d like to see in those who matter most to you. Honesty isn’t a once in awhile attribute, its a day by day purging of the falsehood that lies within us all.

Fighting With Love

“We do not rise to the level of our expectations. We fall to the level of our training.”

— Archilochus (680-645 BC)

Although I was a young teenager during the Vietnam war, people often ask if I ever served in the military. I say no, but I did get all my combat experience during my first marriage. Of course I’m looking for a cheap laugh, but there really is some truth to it. Learning how to fight, whether in war or peace, is the prerequisite to winning any conflict because battles are won in training and not on the battlefield. A fighter, soldier or champion doesn’t win by shear muscle or determination but by the hours, weeks, months and years they spend preparing for action.

Our battles as men don’t have to be physical or competitive to require a regimented discipline to be victorious, but we still need to continually develop the discipline of our internal character so we don’t get caught up in the heat of a moment by saying or doing something we’ll regret. 

Regardless of the type of conflict, training and self-control is critical to averting the escalation of emotions that can make matters worse. Unless you’ve trained yourself to “fight”, then it’s easy to get caught up in the emotional turbulence when destructive accusations and frustrations are flying from every direction like trailers in a tornado. 

The first rule of battle is stick to your training and your battle plan or you will be vulnerable to defeat. The defeat of your dignity, integrity, and self-respect. So what is the one crucial element needed to prevent the failure of character you work so hard to maintain and want others to admire?

Love. 

Now hear me out, I don’t mean the love most think of as mushy, passive, or submissive. I mean the omnipotence of a love that compels you to give up your life for another. The love that forgives to protect a relationship. A love that is an action and never an emotion. I’m talking about real love, not the love that is only felt when everything is going your way.

As I look to foundational truths to guide my behavior, I look to the historical biblical writings of 1st Corinthians, chapter 13 which describes authentic love. “Love is patient, love is kind. It is not easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs, etc.” Nowhere in this description of love does it say “Love FEELS patient, love FEELS kind” nor does love FEEL anything else for that matter. We have it backwards, feelings are not the trigger that determines our actions but merely the byproduct of the actions we choose. Choose to fight with the power of love.

What about those who are difficult to love? It’s a choice. As you “lift” heavier burdens, you build the strength and stamina needed to be able to conquer the bigger issues in life. Unless you use the correct technique (1st Corinthians 13) you will never rise to the occasion, but only fall to the level of your training. Your commitment to prepare will determine your ability to defend your territory, and your territory as a man of honor would be your significant other, or children, or friendships, or anyone else who is worth protecting and fighting for. 

What if you don’t feel the emotion needed to respond in love? My friend, these are your moments of growth towards being a better man. It is then you will be at the perfect place to experience what it is to truly love without the impulsive emotion to compel you to be patient, humble, calm, and many other admirable attributes. The most powerful demonstration of your love will be when it’s done by will and not by emotion.

Cyrus the Great (600-530 BC) said: “Soft lands breeds soft men; wondrous fruits of the earth and valiant warriors grow not from the same soil” meaning that unless we as men learn to struggle through, and overcome our own battles, we become and perpetuate soft men. Is that the legacy you want?

“When love is acted out and not compelled by emotion is when true love takes root.”  - Dennis Munoz 

Chivalry

“A gentlemen is someone who does not what he wants to do, but what he should do.”

— Haruki Murakami

You know what I hate? I mean besides liver and onions? It’s when people call me “old fashioned”. Granted, my choice of fashion and music does not include men’s “rompers” or songs that need interpreting from one of my grandchildren. I believe “old fashioned” holds the foundational character values that are learned from generation to generation and have nothing to do with modern culture or trends. Let me give you a few examples of what I’m talking about outside the obvious “please”, “thank you” and “you’re welcome” etiquette. Let’s talk about chivalry.

Now as men, the burden is totally on us to not only practice it, but to excuse the unappreciated stares of those on the receiving end who don’t know what courteous treatment is anymore. There have been numerous times I have held the door open for ladies who either give me a suspicious look or ignore my effort as if I was the doorman to their luxury penthouse.

Does that discourage my chivalrous attempts? Maybe a little, but it says much more about them, then who I’m trying to be. Being married gives me many opportunities to both fail and succeed in my gallantry. Fortunately for me my wife views me just as God does, by remembering that “I am but dust” and won’t hold me to unnecessarily high standards. But from the day we started dating, I have always made it a point to open doors for my wife, any and all types of doors regardless of weight, color, or forest creed. To me, this is one of the hundreds of opportunities I’m given each day to be the old fashioned romantic and classic gentleman in my journey to be the better man. 

I remember a story I read that always hit home. It was about a man who learned a hard lesson on chivalry much too late. He wrote about how his wife would often ask him why he doesn’t open the car door for her anymore like he did when they were dating. He would downplay it by saying, “well honey, there’s a lot we don’t do anymore after years of marriage”, or “you always get there before I do”, or “my hands were full”. What he didn’t hear was a small request, from the one he promised to love and cherish for the rest of his life, for a small token of chivalry for her to feel special, not to the world, but to him.

Well, time went on and every now and then she would drop hints on how nice it would be to open her door at least once in awhile. Eventually the hints and playful ribbing stopped. Flash forward years later, his wife became seriously ill and eventually passed away. He goes on to describe the funeral service and the pain of losing the one you love and recalling the heartwarming moments of their life together.

The one moment that was a painful reminder of regrets and missed opportunities, was while they were exiting the church after the memorial service. He walked with the coffin behind the funeral director who was maneuvering the casket to transport her for the burial service, once they reached the back of the hearse, the director asked him if he could please open the door. At that moment, the thousands of missed opportunities for such a simple and selfless act pierced his heart and brought him to his knees.

Unfortunately, these days men hear more about how to replace the “keg” in your belly with a “six-pack” and the best way to enlarge your triceps and flacktoids (if there is such a muscle), than learning how to be a man of simple virtues like honor, integrity and being a gentleman.  We as men are on our own personal journey to become a better man until our last breath on earth and what we do on this journey is totally up to us. I just have to remind myself that it isn’t about leaving the impression of a gentleman which is for the benefit of others, but a much larger purpose, which is for my benefit in learning to be a better man.