Giving

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.”

— Charles Dickens

I’ve heard one interpretation of life as you’re either coming out of a stressful situation or you’re heading into one. Another is ‘stressed’ spelled backwards is ‘desserts’. Whichever approach you take, none of us are immune to those seasons in our lives where we are experiencing our own crisis or being affected by someone else’s. There are ways to relieve stress but most provide only temporary comfort. A favorite drink, food, exercise, or a rousing game of Twister may provide a small escape from those disturbing periods in our lives. Here’s a remedy that provides a contagious reaction and a lifelong payback...

Give. 

I was listening to a doctor on television talk about the following health benefits when you “give” during times of stress; 

First, you feel happy. Giving activates regions of the brain associated with pleasure, social connection, trust, and creates a “warm glow” effect. Scientists believe altruistic behavior releases endorphins in the brain, producing the positive feeling known as the “helper’s high.” 

Giving is good for your health. Research suggests that one reason giving may improve physical health and longevity is that it helps decrease stress. People who provide social support to others have lower blood pressure than those who don’t, suggesting a direct physiological benefit to those who give of themselves. 

Giving promotes cooperation and social connection. Several studies by sociologists have suggested that when you give to others, your generosity is likely to be rewarded by others down the line—sometimes by the person you gave to, sometimes by someone else. 

Giving evokes gratitude. The Research Project on Gratitude and Thankfulness, found that teaching college students to “count their blessings” and cultivate gratitude caused them to exercise more, be more optimistic, and feel better about their lives overall. 

I know these results could be based on controlled environments or researchers trying to justify their funding, but I’d like to share my own experience that supports these studies and brings a smile and good health to my bones. I was standing in line at a CVS drugstore behind a young boy of about eleven years old who was holding a few individual candies which he carefully placed on the cash register conveyor belt. He watched with a controlled excitement as he anticipated the deliciousness waiting for him just outside the door. As he did this, he noticed a big bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups strategically placed in the checkout line calling out to him like a Siren to a sailor. He carefully took it from the display and placed it with the few candies he had already picked out. 

The cashier rang up his cost and as he pulled out a hand full of change from his pocket, he realized he didn’t have enough money to pay for his treasure of sweet guilty pleasures. He held up each bag as he tried to decide which would be the sacrificial confection he would be forced to surrender. I whispered to the cashier “just put the difference on my charge”. She seemed surprised and this young boy was visibly appreciative and could only look at me like I was some sort of Robin Hood for the candy-less and say “thank you mister!” It was a memorable moment of sensing a good deed was done, in spite of what a fanatical dentist would’ve recommended. The cashier gave me a friendly smile and rang up my purchases. 

It came out to some dollars and a few quarters, I handed her the bills and reached into my pocket to grab the difference, she said with a wide grin “don’t worry about the change.” 

Without trying to be impressive, I had become contagious and infected someone with kindness. The point of this story isn’t to toot my own horn, it’s only to prove what age old wisdom and current studies tell us. When times are stressful and you want a remedy that will inspire and revive generosity in others, consider kind words, extra time, or loose change to touch someone else’s life. Giving and other acts of kindness fortifies hope and faith in others and ultimately helps me be the kind of man I admire.

Honesty

“A half truth is a whole lie.”

— Yiddish Proverb

Everyone loves an honest man, but there’s another side to that double-edged sword. Honesty without discretion could be damaging and counter-productive. I’ve heard the phrase hundreds of times “I call it like I see it, that’s just who I am” used as an imaginary mantle of true character. Is it? We all know someone who takes pride in their courage to be brutally honest “for the sake of others”, but if their message isn’t undergirded with love and discretion, it becomes offensive and the truth they’re trying to relay, as repulsive and lacking sympathy for the offender’s oversight.

A tried and true guide for character is the Book of Proverbs which was written “for attaining wisdom and discipline; for understanding words of insight; for acquiring a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is right and just and fair.” Solomon, the author, was the King of Israel from 970-931 BC and the most wisest man to ever live. He tells us honesty isn’t only about being truthful with the facts, but it also means keeping your word with others. I remember when a man’s handshake or spoken commitment was worth more than the contracts we see written today that have to include ‘fine print’ to compensate for a person’s lapse of judgement or bent towards greed. 

When dealing with an honest person, you don’t have to worry about loopholes or the keen eye of a lawyer to uncover any hidden intent, all you need to know is their word is gold. That’s who I want to be. When I give my word, it puts me in a position to move from an external agreement to an internal covenant that sets me up for future opportunities where honesty is crucial and rewarding. Today’s society mistakenly defines honesty as a subjective strategic prowess that promotes winning at all costs. Sure, you may win that one situation but you’ve sacrificed integrity and honor and have broken yourself against the rules of manhood; to be the better man and influence the strength of character in others.

Fortunately there are many equalizers that put men on the same playing field, regardless if you’re over or under six feet tall, the muscle bound guy on the beach or the one who gets sand kicked in his face. Honesty is one of those equalizers and becomes more effective as you learn to communicate the brutal truth with loving discretion. “Honey, does this dress make me look fat?” isn’t a booby trap to test your honesty, it’s an opportunity to practice discretion in a loving way if the answer really isn’t what they were hoping for. “Oh no babe, you make that outfit look great!” Am I being totally honest if I hold back some truth at that moment? Maybe, but it’s for a bigger purpose of making someone feel better about themselves, learning how to use loving consideration and not ruining a perfectly fine evening.

An intentional lack of honesty points out a deeper flaw which is the ability to commit to the truth. If there is a lack of commitment in one part of your life, chances are the lack of commitment will also show up in other areas that define your character. Honesty is not just the absence of lying, but being trustworthy, loyal and sincere in what you say and do and impacts your personal and business relationships. Want to trust and be trusted? Want to reduce stress in your life? Tell the truth, not only by the reason, but also by the heart.

How do you hone the discipline of honesty? Start with yourself. When accused of being insensitive to others is your first response rationalizing your actions or admitting it could be in the realm of possibilities you were inconsiderate. When asked to tell what really happened, you are given the chance to build upon a foundation of honesty. Here’s an opportunity to not only build integrity, but to also fortify the character you want to be remembered by and model the highly sought after virtue you’d like to see in those who matter most to you. Honesty isn’t a once in awhile attribute, its a day by day purging of the falsehood that lies within us all.

Self Importance

“Self importance is our greatest enemy. Think about it, what weakens us is feeling offended by the deeds and misdeeds of our fellowmen. Our self importance requires that we spend most of our lives offended by someone.”

— Carlos Castaneda.

This quote has always resonated with me. I don’t know about you, but I for one struggle with the right balance of a healthy self-respect for myself, and being a humble and patient man when others intentionally offend me. In my mind, the Clint Eastwood in me wants to light a stick of dynamite with my cigar and toss it at the offender while I walk off into the sunset but the rational side of me genuinely wants to respond like the real life heroes in my life by being a classic gentleman and just count it as a moment of weakness in the person’s character. I’m torn between standing my ground and showing some backbone while my cape blows in the wind like Superman, or being the mild mannered Clark Kent who exudes self-control and knows how to bridle his strength. 

For men, confidence and self-respect are traits of masculinity that are promoted and encouraged as a badge of honor and admired by others when displayed in the right context. It’s no wonder why us men earnestly pursue these attributes though we may stumble and miss the target of our intent. Real confidence for me starts with being honest with myself in knowing the limitations of my character and abilities and not masking or minimizing my own flaws.

My self-respect is defined by who I am behind closed doors and not who I am when others are around. I continually conduct my own mental debrief after situations that don’t turn out too well and usually find the common denominator is my exaggerated sense of self-importance. If I’m honest with myself, it’s much easier to blame others for their lack of consideration, sensitivity or social graces. Accusing others for my own actions will always leave me suffering as the victim and leaves me helpless to change. My feelings get hurt, I respond selfishly, I get the same reaction from the offender and then I wonder why things never change. It’s the proverbial flawed condition of humanity of hitting your thumb with a hammer because it feels good when you stop.

Self-importance always carries a presumption that others will treat me as I think I should be treated and it always disappoints. Self-importance makes me even more vulnerable to the things I’m trying so hard to avoid like hurt feelings, being taken for granted, not taken seriously, resentful of others, the list goes on. On the other hand, being humble and unpretending gives me a healthy approach in relationships by reminding me of my own weaknesses to respond with the dignity and sensitivity I seek from others because our failings are similar. 

When I take a step back and allow more room for others to make mistakes, I find that increase in tolerance gives me much more capacity to find forgiveness and acceptance for them and for myself. When I think my sense of self-importance is a proficiency that has facilitated any type of success, I must remember all strengths become a weakness when they’re overused. Self-importance can be a poison to my character which numbs my ability to love, to be content and to use my common sense.

As I see it, if I have to tell others how important I am, then I’m not as important as I think I am. The bottom line is to not take yourself so seriously, see your physical therapist and have them adjust your funny bone so you can find more to laugh about, starting with yourself. I realize this may seem elementary and just a “band-aid” remedy for much deeper issues, but even a band-aid starts the healing process. As I walk my journey to be a better man, I must choose to swallow my pride as I would a foul tasting, yet life saving medicine so I am fully restored to make the necessary changes to be the man I’ve always wanted to be.