The Mescalero

As I remember your birthday today, I also mourn the three years since you’ve left this world. I speak of my father-in-law, Carmen. I couldn’t have asked for a kinder, gentler or loving man to have lived with my wife and I during his last years on earth. The influence and value he brought to my life was taken for granted when he was alive, not just for me, but I believe for all who loved him.

Carmen was born and raised on an Apache reservation called Mescalero and when he passed, I wrote this poem for the family as a keepsake and reminder that his spirit will continue to live on in our lives. Little did I know we would be finding “feathers” at the most perfect time and at the most perfect places to let us know he is well and waits for our reunion. I miss you terribly “Pops”.

Son of morning sunlight and brother of the bear

The Mescalero packs his bag in order to prepare

His journey that he walked with others, he must now walk alone

To reach the final destiny, that soon will take him home.

The legs and hands that he once knew, are no longer strong

He perseveres with warrior strength to a distant battle-song

The trail is high and treacherous, with danger on each side

He knows that scaling the mountain side will make him purified.

The bow and staff he always used, were useless now it seems

He now must trust in The Great Spirit who speaks to him in dreams

To guide him to his resting place, made especially for him

Where his ancestors and true love await, along with the cherubim.

Those he left behind to watch, as he faded out of sight

Will forever share his special love and stars that fill our night

While in the storm and dark of night, he reached that sacred place

With arms of strength and legs of steel. Not one wrinkle on his face.

With one last step he found himself taking perfect flight

With eagle’s wings he sailed the sky towards the brilliant light

And as he flew, a feather fell and drifted through the air

To remind us when we see that sign, he’s waiting for us there.   

Accountability

“The price of greatness is responsibility.”

— Sir Winston Churchill British politician (1874 - 1965)

Accountability means the willingness to accept responsibility for your actions. There is no isolation of consequences because whatever we do, directly or indirectly, affects those around us. American Indian, Chief Seattle said it best: “Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect.” The ripple effect on others is simple physics with no exceptions.

How do we stand together as watchmen and protectors of the world we are responsible for? I believe we need to get better at holding each other accountable for our actions and if you call yourself my friend, I would expect the same and nothing less and would welcome and cherish the corrective words from a respected confidant because iron sharpens iron.  Unless one iron is stronger than the other, the sharpened edge becomes dull and useless and the role we are to play as men becomes impotent and our growth is stifled in our attempt to “mind our own business” and “live and let live”. Those are the thoughts that differentiate a man from a boy.

Is it easy to find the right words and the right time to hold someone accountable? No, but fortunately the formality of timing and wording isn’t a necessary requirement for accountability. One of my favorite scenes from The Godfather is when Johnny Fontane goes to Don Corleone because a Hollywood director won’t give him a part in a movie, saying tearfully “Ohhh Godfather...I don’t know what to do...I don’t know what to do.” Don Corleone jumps out from his chair, grabs Johnny by both his arms, slaps him and yells “You can act like a man! What’s the matter with you!?” Sometimes I wish I could’ve had more Godfather like responses from other men when I wasted time on my own pity parties while licking my wounds instead of being admonished for not reviving the strength and character of my inner warrior. 

What happens when we don’t hold ourselves or each other accountable? Then we set our hopes and dreams to be honorable men on pure luck. Luck to open doors for success, luck to bring the right people into your life, luck that brings about the admiration and respect you are pursuing. Luck is only the result of cause and effect and the child of diligence.

James Allen, a British author (1879-1912) says this of men: "They themselves are makers of themselves by virtue of the thoughts which they choose and encourage; that mind is the master weaver, both of the inner garment of character and the outer garment of circumstance, and that, as they may have hitherto woven in ignorance and pain they may now weave in enlightenment and happiness. Man is a growth by law, and not a creation by artifice, and cause and effect is as absolute and undeviating in the hidden realm of thought as in the world of visible and material things. A noble and Godlike character is not a thing of favor or chance, but is the natural result of continued effort in right thinking, the effect of long-cherished association with Godlike thoughts. An ignoble and bestial character, by the same process, is the result of the continued harboring of groveling thoughts.”

If you believe you have already passed your potential, and the poor excuse of you are who you are, let me remind you, no, strike that, let me admonish you, you are what you have limited yourself to be. The overwhelming majority of men who have become successful have become so because of work they found profoundly absorbing and holding themselves accountable to a dedication they found in an arena they thoroughly enjoyed. Pursue your passion, whether it be prestigious or not to be who you, my fellow man, were created to be to encourage those who are waiting to offer the world the same aspirations.

Optimism

“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.”

— George Bernard Shaw, Nobel Prize in Literature (1856-1950)

I have to admit, by nature I’m an optimist. Optimists see the glass half full, pessimists see it half empty, while someone with OCD sees it and says “Hey, who dirtied another glass!” I tend to always see and anticipate the good in others. To the pessimist, I may be foolish for always assuming the best in anyone or in any situation. Don’t know that I could function well in any other kind of world. Throughout my long life I have seen the best and worst in individuals which has led me to believe most people mean well, but in their effort to maintain their own idea of happiness they may be over zealous in protecting themselves from the worst in any one or any thing. 

Here’s a simple test to tell which of the two mental attitudes is your predominant one, when you reach for a rose, do you anticipate the fragrance or the thorn?

I do understand we should have a balance of pessimism and optimism to properly weigh the consequences of our decisions and condition ourselves to avoid being too quick to expect the worst in others or the best in others. I prefer to live in a world where I see the best in any situation rather than the worst because it keeps me in a positive and cheerful mood rather than feeling the doom and gloom of possible things to come. I believe optimism is a gift and has been like a super power that has carried me through the worst moments of my life by allowing me to count on the positive things that others may interpret as not being in touch with my own reality. I look at optimism as a gift because it presents itself during difficult moments to help me focus on the positive things my misfortune can lead me to if I choose to unwrap and use this perfectly-timed present.

We all have a little idealist and cynic in us and we know inherently which one we tend to favor. As optimists, we may even consider our mental attitude as the lesser of the two but that’s only pessimism making its presence known. I think optimist see things differently because by nature they have learned to be more tolerant and hopeful out of necessity. A pessimist may have learned the same way and considers the optimist as not being realistic for failing to prepare for the worst case scenario. Bottom line is we need both types in our lives. If you’re an optimist, you need the pessimist to stay grounded and prepare for the “what if’s” and if you’re a pessimist, you need the optimist to take you to heights you never knew you could achieve.

It’s not just about being hopeful that good things will happen but there is also a confidence, not wishful thinking, in knowing good things CAN happen. Optimists also tend to allow more room for others to make, and learn from their own mistakes. Studies show optimism causes you to expect a brighter future and can be a learned response in any adverse situation.

A number of studies also list the following five benefits of being an optimist:

1. They live longer, up to a decade longer

2. Have better love lives, even when only one partner in the relationship is an optimist

3. Are more successful, outselling pessimistic thinkers by 88%

4. Take fewer sick days and are more likely to rate their symptoms as manageable

5. Bounce back faster and stronger and use failure as fuel to perform even better in the future.

Don’t be too quick to downplay the benefits that come with either of these subjective approaches, even if it conflicts with the outcome you expect. So keep your chin up, yes all of them, and remember this; good times won’t last forever, and neither will the bad times.

Decisions

“Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret”

— Benjamin Disraeli, Former British Prime Minister (1804-1881)

Sometimes life gives us our answers even before we need them. Here’s an example, I happen to also be a benefits advisor for a supplemental insurance company and the most common reason I hear from individuals not wanting coverage is “nah, I don’t need it, I’m good.” So was my wife until she was rear ended by a semi-truck which left her temporarily disabled. The difference was my wife had the wisdom to know how fast our circumstances could change and purchased an accident policy through her job a couple of years prior to the accident. 

So instead of praying for a financial miracle to see us through that extremely difficult time, we were able to weather the storm by having the foresight to see our answer even before we needed it. The generous amount we received from our supplemental insurance coverage brought the financial support we desperately needed. We saw our answer before we needed it. 

The purpose of sharing this story isn’t to scare you into buying insurance, but something just as important; to have the wisdom to search and uncover the answers to potential problems even before you need them! Listen to the voices of counsel as you would listen to an explosion expert guiding you through a minefield, at midnight, during a lunar eclipse. There is something to be said about the aged and experienced as quoted in an old Viking saying: “Fight me if you wish, but remember that I am old for a reason.” Every man relives moments in his life where he would love the luxury of a second chance at decisions that didn’t work out as planned. If hindsight is 20/20, then foresight should almost be prophetic if we are wise enough to learn lessons from past mistakes. If you lose, don’t lose the lesson. 

Without being able to anticipate all consequences of our decisions, we do things that seem to be for the right reason at the time. There’s nothing wrong in wanting to be “The Knight in Shining Armor” to rescue the afflicted, or taking a stance for the underdog who has no one else to fight for them. What we may not consider during a “hero mentality” moment is maybe the afflicted person isn’t looking to be rescued. We may be interfering with a foundational life lesson being played out that will change the trajectory of their life for the better. Maybe that underdog is suffering the results of bad judgment, have given their minimal effort to succeed, or have burned all their bridges. 

Sometimes doing “good” isn’t always Godly. John Bevere, the author of ‘Good or God’ tells us “If Eve, who was perfect and living in a flawless environment, could still be deceived, how much easier is it for those of us with imperfect minds and living in a corrupted world—a skewed society—to be deceived into judging what is damaging, to be good?”. We are all capable of making snap decisions that require immediate action, but what about on-going decisions to manage the daily responsibilities of adulthood? If you are wise and not ruled by ego, remember the words from the Book of Proverbs that tells us “Refuse good advice and watch your plans fail; take good counsel and watch them succeed.” 

Inherently, we are all a little resistant of being told what to do. I have always told my children, especially in their adulthood, that they need to learn to make their own decisions, but listen to the advice of those who have already walked that path, then make their decisions based on counsel. It’s our obligation as men to help those in our lives reason through the consequences of their choices and temper any irrational sense of independence. Most importantly, know what you want, but don’t limit your possibilities.

“If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise.” - Robert Fritz, an American author, management consultant, composer, and filmmaker.

Giving

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.”

— Charles Dickens

I’ve heard one interpretation of life as you’re either coming out of a stressful situation or you’re heading into one. Another is ‘stressed’ spelled backwards is ‘desserts’. Whichever approach you take, none of us are immune to those seasons in our lives where we are experiencing our own crisis or being affected by someone else’s. There are ways to relieve stress but most provide only temporary comfort. A favorite drink, food, exercise, or a rousing game of Twister may provide a small escape from those disturbing periods in our lives. Here’s a remedy that provides a contagious reaction and a lifelong payback...

Give. 

I was listening to a doctor on television talk about the following health benefits when you “give” during times of stress; 

First, you feel happy. Giving activates regions of the brain associated with pleasure, social connection, trust, and creates a “warm glow” effect. Scientists believe altruistic behavior releases endorphins in the brain, producing the positive feeling known as the “helper’s high.” 

Giving is good for your health. Research suggests that one reason giving may improve physical health and longevity is that it helps decrease stress. People who provide social support to others have lower blood pressure than those who don’t, suggesting a direct physiological benefit to those who give of themselves. 

Giving promotes cooperation and social connection. Several studies by sociologists have suggested that when you give to others, your generosity is likely to be rewarded by others down the line—sometimes by the person you gave to, sometimes by someone else. 

Giving evokes gratitude. The Research Project on Gratitude and Thankfulness, found that teaching college students to “count their blessings” and cultivate gratitude caused them to exercise more, be more optimistic, and feel better about their lives overall. 

I know these results could be based on controlled environments or researchers trying to justify their funding, but I’d like to share my own experience that supports these studies and brings a smile and good health to my bones. I was standing in line at a CVS drugstore behind a young boy of about eleven years old who was holding a few individual candies which he carefully placed on the cash register conveyor belt. He watched with a controlled excitement as he anticipated the deliciousness waiting for him just outside the door. As he did this, he noticed a big bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups strategically placed in the checkout line calling out to him like a Siren to a sailor. He carefully took it from the display and placed it with the few candies he had already picked out. 

The cashier rang up his cost and as he pulled out a hand full of change from his pocket, he realized he didn’t have enough money to pay for his treasure of sweet guilty pleasures. He held up each bag as he tried to decide which would be the sacrificial confection he would be forced to surrender. I whispered to the cashier “just put the difference on my charge”. She seemed surprised and this young boy was visibly appreciative and could only look at me like I was some sort of Robin Hood for the candy-less and say “thank you mister!” It was a memorable moment of sensing a good deed was done, in spite of what a fanatical dentist would’ve recommended. The cashier gave me a friendly smile and rang up my purchases. 

It came out to some dollars and a few quarters, I handed her the bills and reached into my pocket to grab the difference, she said with a wide grin “don’t worry about the change.” 

Without trying to be impressive, I had become contagious and infected someone with kindness. The point of this story isn’t to toot my own horn, it’s only to prove what age old wisdom and current studies tell us. When times are stressful and you want a remedy that will inspire and revive generosity in others, consider kind words, extra time, or loose change to touch someone else’s life. Giving and other acts of kindness fortifies hope and faith in others and ultimately helps me be the kind of man I admire.

Fear

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”

— Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela, Former President of South Africa (1918-2013)

Listen men, embrace the fact that fear is a necessary part of our daily lives. Our make-believe superheroes tell us “real men know no fear” which is so easy to say and believe when you’re living in their fantasy world. In actuality, fear is the real world superhero sidekick we all need to have in our lives. Fear stands with us and warns us of the consequences we may create from our actions or inactions. Fear compels us towards self-preservation to keep us from taking unnecessary risks that may cause injury or something worse. Fear drives the desire for protecting long term relationships by preventing us from doing anything to jeopardize those alliances. Fear provides a motivating factor that will keep you working towards preserving what you already have, as well as striving for better things in life. Fear of the unknown forces us to be more strategic in our planning to ensure a beneficial future for ourselves and others.

Our response to fear may be an instinctual reaction conditioned from our past or may even be a passion you were meant to fulfill as a firefighter, police officer, soldier and any other perilous call of duty. As a child, I know I was fearful of many things, which is good because at that time I didn’t have the brawn or the brains to get me out of any sort of dangerous situations I’d put myself into. As I grew into a young man, the testosterone was what spoke louder than common sense and I shudder when I look back at what could’ve happened if not for the grace of God. In my latter years, I am much clearer now on the role that fear has in my life and how I can now leverage that emotion to make me a better man. I have learned to “run towards the roar” and not run from it. 

I recently discovered that a lion does not actually hunt his own meal, he uses the lioness to make the kill. The lion will roar to frighten the prey into running away and right into the ambush of the lioness. What does that tell me? When moments of fear presents itself, I must be careful of the knee-jerk reaction I use to respond to the perceived threat. Do my actions “run from the roar” which could lead to finding myself way off course from where I wanted to be and make matters worse? Or do I find myself running towards the roar and facing my fears head on like a brave man and avoid the ambush that waits beyond the lion’s roar. 

If we don’t face our fears, whether new or old ones, they will continue to drive us away from developing the courageous character that others will need from us at an appointed time. It occurred to me while remembering the story of David and Goliath, that David’s ability to pinpoint that one stone to puncture Goliath’s skull right between the eyes was not a miraculous event granted by God. If you remember the story of David, before his first experience in battle, he was just a young shepherd who used his sling and stones to chase away predators to protect his sheep. The daily training with his sling enabled him to prepare for that one moment in time that changed the course of Israel, and his destiny as their King.

As I look back over my life, I can say without a doubt, the fears that I ran from caused the most damage to my character and confidence. But the fear I ran towards were the ones that rewarded me with results that have enriched my journey to become more courageous in my role as a man. Fear can lock you into your own personal prison of missed opportunities and regrets. It will also rob you of the exhilaration you will experience conquering the “Goliaths” in your own life. 

Honesty

“A half truth is a whole lie.”

— Yiddish Proverb

Everyone loves an honest man, but there’s another side to that double-edged sword. Honesty without discretion could be damaging and counter-productive. I’ve heard the phrase hundreds of times “I call it like I see it, that’s just who I am” used as an imaginary mantle of true character. Is it? We all know someone who takes pride in their courage to be brutally honest “for the sake of others”, but if their message isn’t undergirded with love and discretion, it becomes offensive and the truth they’re trying to relay, as repulsive and lacking sympathy for the offender’s oversight.

A tried and true guide for character is the Book of Proverbs which was written “for attaining wisdom and discipline; for understanding words of insight; for acquiring a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is right and just and fair.” Solomon, the author, was the King of Israel from 970-931 BC and the most wisest man to ever live. He tells us honesty isn’t only about being truthful with the facts, but it also means keeping your word with others. I remember when a man’s handshake or spoken commitment was worth more than the contracts we see written today that have to include ‘fine print’ to compensate for a person’s lapse of judgement or bent towards greed. 

When dealing with an honest person, you don’t have to worry about loopholes or the keen eye of a lawyer to uncover any hidden intent, all you need to know is their word is gold. That’s who I want to be. When I give my word, it puts me in a position to move from an external agreement to an internal covenant that sets me up for future opportunities where honesty is crucial and rewarding. Today’s society mistakenly defines honesty as a subjective strategic prowess that promotes winning at all costs. Sure, you may win that one situation but you’ve sacrificed integrity and honor and have broken yourself against the rules of manhood; to be the better man and influence the strength of character in others.

Fortunately there are many equalizers that put men on the same playing field, regardless if you’re over or under six feet tall, the muscle bound guy on the beach or the one who gets sand kicked in his face. Honesty is one of those equalizers and becomes more effective as you learn to communicate the brutal truth with loving discretion. “Honey, does this dress make me look fat?” isn’t a booby trap to test your honesty, it’s an opportunity to practice discretion in a loving way if the answer really isn’t what they were hoping for. “Oh no babe, you make that outfit look great!” Am I being totally honest if I hold back some truth at that moment? Maybe, but it’s for a bigger purpose of making someone feel better about themselves, learning how to use loving consideration and not ruining a perfectly fine evening.

An intentional lack of honesty points out a deeper flaw which is the ability to commit to the truth. If there is a lack of commitment in one part of your life, chances are the lack of commitment will also show up in other areas that define your character. Honesty is not just the absence of lying, but being trustworthy, loyal and sincere in what you say and do and impacts your personal and business relationships. Want to trust and be trusted? Want to reduce stress in your life? Tell the truth, not only by the reason, but also by the heart.

How do you hone the discipline of honesty? Start with yourself. When accused of being insensitive to others is your first response rationalizing your actions or admitting it could be in the realm of possibilities you were inconsiderate. When asked to tell what really happened, you are given the chance to build upon a foundation of honesty. Here’s an opportunity to not only build integrity, but to also fortify the character you want to be remembered by and model the highly sought after virtue you’d like to see in those who matter most to you. Honesty isn’t a once in awhile attribute, its a day by day purging of the falsehood that lies within us all.

Self Importance

“Self importance is our greatest enemy. Think about it, what weakens us is feeling offended by the deeds and misdeeds of our fellowmen. Our self importance requires that we spend most of our lives offended by someone.”

— Carlos Castaneda.

This quote has always resonated with me. I don’t know about you, but I for one struggle with the right balance of a healthy self-respect for myself, and being a humble and patient man when others intentionally offend me. In my mind, the Clint Eastwood in me wants to light a stick of dynamite with my cigar and toss it at the offender while I walk off into the sunset but the rational side of me genuinely wants to respond like the real life heroes in my life by being a classic gentleman and just count it as a moment of weakness in the person’s character. I’m torn between standing my ground and showing some backbone while my cape blows in the wind like Superman, or being the mild mannered Clark Kent who exudes self-control and knows how to bridle his strength. 

For men, confidence and self-respect are traits of masculinity that are promoted and encouraged as a badge of honor and admired by others when displayed in the right context. It’s no wonder why us men earnestly pursue these attributes though we may stumble and miss the target of our intent. Real confidence for me starts with being honest with myself in knowing the limitations of my character and abilities and not masking or minimizing my own flaws.

My self-respect is defined by who I am behind closed doors and not who I am when others are around. I continually conduct my own mental debrief after situations that don’t turn out too well and usually find the common denominator is my exaggerated sense of self-importance. If I’m honest with myself, it’s much easier to blame others for their lack of consideration, sensitivity or social graces. Accusing others for my own actions will always leave me suffering as the victim and leaves me helpless to change. My feelings get hurt, I respond selfishly, I get the same reaction from the offender and then I wonder why things never change. It’s the proverbial flawed condition of humanity of hitting your thumb with a hammer because it feels good when you stop.

Self-importance always carries a presumption that others will treat me as I think I should be treated and it always disappoints. Self-importance makes me even more vulnerable to the things I’m trying so hard to avoid like hurt feelings, being taken for granted, not taken seriously, resentful of others, the list goes on. On the other hand, being humble and unpretending gives me a healthy approach in relationships by reminding me of my own weaknesses to respond with the dignity and sensitivity I seek from others because our failings are similar. 

When I take a step back and allow more room for others to make mistakes, I find that increase in tolerance gives me much more capacity to find forgiveness and acceptance for them and for myself. When I think my sense of self-importance is a proficiency that has facilitated any type of success, I must remember all strengths become a weakness when they’re overused. Self-importance can be a poison to my character which numbs my ability to love, to be content and to use my common sense.

As I see it, if I have to tell others how important I am, then I’m not as important as I think I am. The bottom line is to not take yourself so seriously, see your physical therapist and have them adjust your funny bone so you can find more to laugh about, starting with yourself. I realize this may seem elementary and just a “band-aid” remedy for much deeper issues, but even a band-aid starts the healing process. As I walk my journey to be a better man, I must choose to swallow my pride as I would a foul tasting, yet life saving medicine so I am fully restored to make the necessary changes to be the man I’ve always wanted to be.