The Mescalero

As I remember your birthday today, I also mourn the three years since you’ve left this world. I speak of my father-in-law, Carmen. I couldn’t have asked for a kinder, gentler or loving man to have lived with my wife and I during his last years on earth. The influence and value he brought to my life was taken for granted when he was alive, not just for me, but I believe for all who loved him.

Carmen was born and raised on an Apache reservation called Mescalero and when he passed, I wrote this poem for the family as a keepsake and reminder that his spirit will continue to live on in our lives. Little did I know we would be finding “feathers” at the most perfect time and at the most perfect places to let us know he is well and waits for our reunion. I miss you terribly “Pops”.

Son of morning sunlight and brother of the bear

The Mescalero packs his bag in order to prepare

His journey that he walked with others, he must now walk alone

To reach the final destiny, that soon will take him home.

The legs and hands that he once knew, are no longer strong

He perseveres with warrior strength to a distant battle-song

The trail is high and treacherous, with danger on each side

He knows that scaling the mountain side will make him purified.

The bow and staff he always used, were useless now it seems

He now must trust in The Great Spirit who speaks to him in dreams

To guide him to his resting place, made especially for him

Where his ancestors and true love await, along with the cherubim.

Those he left behind to watch, as he faded out of sight

Will forever share his special love and stars that fill our night

While in the storm and dark of night, he reached that sacred place

With arms of strength and legs of steel. Not one wrinkle on his face.

With one last step he found himself taking perfect flight

With eagle’s wings he sailed the sky towards the brilliant light

And as he flew, a feather fell and drifted through the air

To remind us when we see that sign, he’s waiting for us there.   

Walking Through the Glen

“Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day the child passes and ends the day the parent joins them.”

— BJ Karrer

It’s been eight years since you’ve been gone now my “hunky bunky”. You would have been forty-six years old today son, and my world would have been complete with you still here with me. But if there’s one thing I can be sure of, when we see each other again, we will spend eternity making up for the years I grieved without my boy. Here’s the poem I wrote for you when you were young where we both cried tears of gratitude for having each other…

I took his little hand in mine

And walked him through the glen

Where nursery rhymes and rainbows lived

His journey just began

We’d walk and every now and then

I’d let his hand go free

To wish upon a falling star

Or chase a honeybee

We’d sing together through the day

And wrestle in the grass

Play hide and seek and make believe

Until the day did pass

I’d look upon his sleeping face

When all the day was done

So innocent, so wonderful

So glad that he’s my son

And as he slept, I held him tight

For I knew that when he’s grown

The journey that I shared with him,

He must one day walk alone

My hopes, my love, my wisdom

Were shared while hand in hand

To create a tender heart

When he becomes a man

That little boy with emerald eyes

Who’s made my life aglow,

Who looked to me to lead the way

His hand I must let go

And as his journey starts anew

And mine has found an end

I count myself the richest man

For I walked him through the glen.

Fighting With Love

“We do not rise to the level of our expectations. We fall to the level of our training.”

— Archilochus (680-645 BC)

Although I was a young teenager during the Vietnam war, people often ask if I ever served in the military. I say no, but I did get all my combat experience during my first marriage. Of course I’m looking for a cheap laugh, but there really is some truth to it. Learning how to fight, whether in war or peace, is the prerequisite to winning any conflict because battles are won in training and not on the battlefield. A fighter, soldier or champion doesn’t win by shear muscle or determination but by the hours, weeks, months and years they spend preparing for action.

Our battles as men don’t have to be physical or competitive to require a regimented discipline to be victorious, but we still need to continually develop the discipline of our internal character so we don’t get caught up in the heat of a moment by saying or doing something we’ll regret. 

Regardless of the type of conflict, training and self-control is critical to averting the escalation of emotions that can make matters worse. Unless you’ve trained yourself to “fight”, then it’s easy to get caught up in the emotional turbulence when destructive accusations and frustrations are flying from every direction like trailers in a tornado. 

The first rule of battle is stick to your training and your battle plan or you will be vulnerable to defeat. The defeat of your dignity, integrity, and self-respect. So what is the one crucial element needed to prevent the failure of character you work so hard to maintain and want others to admire?

Love. 

Now hear me out, I don’t mean the love most think of as mushy, passive, or submissive. I mean the omnipotence of a love that compels you to give up your life for another. The love that forgives to protect a relationship. A love that is an action and never an emotion. I’m talking about real love, not the love that is only felt when everything is going your way.

As I look to foundational truths to guide my behavior, I look to the historical biblical writings of 1st Corinthians, chapter 13 which describes authentic love. “Love is patient, love is kind. It is not easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs, etc.” Nowhere in this description of love does it say “Love FEELS patient, love FEELS kind” nor does love FEEL anything else for that matter. We have it backwards, feelings are not the trigger that determines our actions but merely the byproduct of the actions we choose. Choose to fight with the power of love.

What about those who are difficult to love? It’s a choice. As you “lift” heavier burdens, you build the strength and stamina needed to be able to conquer the bigger issues in life. Unless you use the correct technique (1st Corinthians 13) you will never rise to the occasion, but only fall to the level of your training. Your commitment to prepare will determine your ability to defend your territory, and your territory as a man of honor would be your significant other, or children, or friendships, or anyone else who is worth protecting and fighting for. 

What if you don’t feel the emotion needed to respond in love? My friend, these are your moments of growth towards being a better man. It is then you will be at the perfect place to experience what it is to truly love without the impulsive emotion to compel you to be patient, humble, calm, and many other admirable attributes. The most powerful demonstration of your love will be when it’s done by will and not by emotion.

Cyrus the Great (600-530 BC) said: “Soft lands breeds soft men; wondrous fruits of the earth and valiant warriors grow not from the same soil” meaning that unless we as men learn to struggle through, and overcome our own battles, we become and perpetuate soft men. Is that the legacy you want?

“When love is acted out and not compelled by emotion is when true love takes root.”  - Dennis Munoz