In-Convenience

“Change is not made without inconvenience.”

-  Samuel Johnson, Author, Poet, Polymath (1709-1784)

I recently took our car to the dealership for repairs and since it was no longer under warranty they refused to provide a loaner while they tried to fix the problem. Ok, I can manage being without a car for a few days. Long story short, we paid a lot for the repairs, drove it home and the problem still hadn’t been fixed, and it happened at least three more times after that. They’ve had our car now for over two months and still can’t find the problem, we had to battle for a loaner to drive since they had both our car and our money and we couldn’t get them to communicate the status about the problem. As you can imagine that whole situation brought my wife and I so many inconveniences and we did our best to maintain our peace of mind and sense of normalcy through it all.

Since I am a firm believer in knowing all things work together for the good, I did my best to “roll with the punches” and soon found out it all had to occur in order to reap a reward of a bigger purpose. After speaking with different levels of management, I finally had a  conversation with the dealership’s GM regarding the time, money, and inconvenience involved and after weighing it all, he agreed to buy the car back at a very fair price which might not have been offered if all the “inconveniences” had not occurred.

What did I learn? Something that has played out time after time in my life as well as in the life of others, which is those “inconveniences” were necessary in order to be “in convenience” where everything fits perfectly into a schedule or purpose. Sometimes, the greatest inconvenience leads to the most valuable lessons and it’s important to embrace inconvenience because it often leads to unexpected opportunities. We as men, need to practice finding constructive results in spite of fear, doubt, worry, uncertainty, inconvenience, discomfort, even when it seems counterintuitive to do so.

We must learn the difference between an inconvenience and a problem and that every inconvenience is our chance to grow stronger and wiser to create an environment around us that others gravitate towards for a sense of hope and security. We may think as men, that we should have all the answers, that is both untrue and unreasonable because  sometimes seeing everything that could happen just gets in the way.

You will find yourself sacrificing real opportunities for just one imaginary inconvenience. Would you not use the warmth or cooking abilities of fire because you could get burned? Would you avoid water because someone may drown in it?  Would you relinquish your role as a leader to be a stable example to others because you could make a wrong decision? It would be good to remember that inconvenience is the price we pay when pushing ourselves to be the man others look to and pushing ourselves is a huge inconvenience.

The problem is that in the process of becoming a better man, we can forget the pain and aggravation as soon as progress has been achieved and remember only the glorious parts of that journey. In a similar way, progress is a bit like childbirth, even to the point of saying that the pain of inconvenience often gives birth to new opportunities and new adventures  that could be shared as valuable lessons towards manhood.

Inconvenience is merely a steppingstone to resilience because for men to attain an esteemed degree in learning costs him time, discomfort,  headaches, fear, worry, approval from others, and other difficulties. They can also be reminders to appreciate the comforts we can easily overlook, and sometimes the inconvenience in our lives is the answer to a prayer we have been seeking, and we must remember every advance that we make to become better fathers, sons, brothers, friends, and other examples of masculinity, must be made at our own inconvenience. If our path does not inconvenience us, then it is only the path that a weaker man would walk.

Procrastination

"Procrastination is opportunity's assassin."

– Victor Kiam, American entrepreneur (1926-2001)

I hate to think that I procrastinate, it has a bad connotation. When I looked up the definition, it means “to put off until tomorrow”. Now I feel worse because I tend to put things off until “the day after tomorrow” which means I even put off procrastinating! I’d like to think it’s not because I’m lazy, but only because my motivation to do nothing is much more highly developed.

When I procrastinate, its usually for the things I don’t enjoy doing like cleaning out the garage, waiting in line at the DMV, or scheduling anything that ends with “oscopy”. When we feel anxiety about an activity, we tend to postpone it and wait for “the right time” when in reality, what can be done at any time is usually never done at all.

What about the things we like to do? Why do we put off those things that bring a promise of a rewarding accomplishment? Whether it’s to paint that room, organize the garage, or write that book, we all have something that prioritizes itself in our minds until it gets done. Some are short term accomplishments, some are long term dreams waiting to be fulfilled and some just die off by neglect. Do you know what happens when you give a procrastinator a good idea? Nothing.

As I see it, procrastinating for mundane tasks aren’t as consequential as putting off creative and God-given talents. Mundane tasks can always be done by others, but your unique dreams can only be fulfilled by none other than you. When we don’t act on our dreams and use them only as the “carrot on the stick” to convince ourselves and others of our intent to act someday, we place them in too high of esteem to be viewed in a trophy case and admired from a distance. In reality its more of a dusty shelf of opportunities that could have been.

We talk ourselves into passing up on a promising opportunity today because we think we will find better conditions and opportunities tomorrow and fail to realize the arrogance in assuming God owes us another opportunity to do what we had time to do. Maybe our worry should be more about our inactions than our actions because without action, we only wish for results but eventually change our wishes.

Much of the stress we may feel doesn’t always come from having too much to do. It also comes from not finishing what we started. A task left undone remains undone in two places — at the actual task itself, and inside your head. Incomplete tasks consume the energy of your attention as they gnaw at your conscience.

Studies tell us there are different types of procrastinators:

·       The Perfectionist (overthinking, endless edits)

o   The Fix: Set “good enough” goals, use a timer, embrace learning through mistakes

·       The Avoider (task delay, low confidence)

o   The Fix: Try committing to a task for just five minutes, break tasks into chunks, create accountability

·       The Busy Bee (always busy, rarely effective)

o   The Fix: Use task priorities, do hardest first, batch similar tasks

·       The Crisis-Maker (last minute panic work)

o   The Fix: Set fake deadlines, spread tasks over time, reward progress early

·       The Dreamer (Big ideas, no action)

o   The Fix: Set S.M.A.R.T. goals, start small today, track your progress.

Simply said, a dream written down with a date becomes a goal. A goal broken down into steps becomes a plan. A plan backed by action makes your dreams come alive and follow through is the only thing that separates dreamers from those who accomplish great things. Tell other men of your plans to move forward so you will have the resource of accountability to get you moving, and motivation will occur once you’ve taken the first step because that’s when inspiration becomes tangible and persistent.

The best time to see your dream being fulfilled was yesterday, the second-best time is today. You may believe you have plenty of time but just remember, the wick on your candle grows shorter with each passing minute. You may delay, but time will not.

Mr. Fix-It

“Being codependent means that when you die, someone else's life passes before your eyes.” - Barbara Johnson, Author (1927-2007)

Men are hardwired to fix things. Flat tires, leaky faucets, broken toys and thanks to YouTube videos, pretty much everything else. There’s a sense of fulfillment when we fix things that are broken. Unfortunately, we don’t have an internal regulator to tell us when to stop trying to fix things and just let the problem play itself out when it comes to relationships with others. We can be too quick to have the answer to a situation that has yet to define the remedy. When we put too much effort into someone’s validation for our own happiness, worth and emotional needs we place ourselves in a subservient role that will always have us at someone else’s mercy.

Forgiving yourself for the survival patterns you picked up while enduring your own trauma and being who you needed to be at that time is necessary to prevent losing yourself in trying to fix other’s brokenness and forgetting that you are special too. It is not our job to fix people; it’s our job to love them while they are broken so they know there is a lifeline available when they are at the end of their own rope.

Every human is created with a unique God-shaped space in their heart so it’s no wonder there are countless books, seminars and dating apps available that attempt to fill that empty space. When driven to fix everything for others, we contradict what God wants for our best life and what He wants us to desire for ourselves, and we create an idol made of our own aspirations.

Even among leading authorities in the field of clinical (diagnosing, treating mental health disorders) and cognitive (acquiring, perceiving, and storing information) psychology the damage is well documented. There are many things we cannot fix, a tooth cavity, a ruptured appendix, deep-seated emotional pain, broken trust, the past. Why would we think we could fix the behavior of someone else when we know how difficult it is to fix our own?  

If you have survived a chaotic codependent life then you may be a High-functioning codependent who is often smart, successful, reliable, and accomplished. They do not identify with being dependent, because they are likely doing everything for everyone else and make it look easy like they have it all together and if the following resonates, you may be steeped in the lies of a codependent heart:

·       You avoid putting yourself first for fear of appearing selfish or rude

·       Helping others is the foundation of your life and neglecting yourself is the sacrifice you pay

·       Boundaries are for others, but you are not allowed to have a choice in yours

·       Your worth is determined by doing, not being

·       You take responsibility for others because otherwise nothing gets done.

Codependence does not recognize happiness; it concedes to suffering through the gaslighting and distorted reality of the perpetrator. They throw in moments of kindness, so your mind starts chasing the reward and you keep doing for them in hope you see more kindness and continue suffering because you love the one holding the knife that cuts deep into your heart.

How do we recover from unhealthy dependence on others? Make a covenant to balance your “do’s” and “don’ts”.

Do:

·       Recognize manipulation, gaslighting, verbal and physical abuse, and don’t minimize or ignore them. Speak up when treated poorly

·       Accept you did not cause your codependent behavior but are responsible for your healing

·       Pay attention to patterns, not words. They feign remorse, promise change, and play the victim.

Don’t:

·       Prove your worth through achievements

·       Enable or protect people from the consequences of their own actions

·       Explain yourself, resist the urge to defend against their lies. Not to prove them wrong; but to show you no longer need their validation.

Never do what they can do for themselves, or you circumvent the independence they are struggling for. When you protect them from their own consequences, you only weaken them.  

Tonight, when you go to bed, remember that you lock your gates and doors to protect your home, why wouldn’t you set your own boundaries as gates and doors to protect your heart.

Remembrance

“God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December.”

— James M. Barrie, Scottish Novelist/Playwright, 1860-1937

We’re inclined to view “memories” as only past experiences that teach lessons, warm hearts, or as reminders of painful moments. If we only regard memories in that light and neglect to make new ones, we forfeit the valuable ability memories bring to also heal and feel empathy towards those we perceive have damaged our ability to function as normal and productive men.

God, in His omniscience knew we needed an antidote for an “unforgiving” heart for emotional disabilities we are forced to live with because of someone’s actions against us, so He enabled each of us the ability to change our perception of someone with new experiences, new information, new opportunities or simply said; new memories.

New memories allow you to take important relationships to a fresh start, or at least ease any pain you have carried that are your weak spot, your raw nerve, or your excuse for not living up to the potential others see in you. Sure, there will be those who will offer the same end results for your efforts that leave you feeling “well shame on me again” but imagine the important relationships you would never see healed if your fear of being “hurt” again prevented you from being the answer to a prayer another is asking, for the same healing you are seeking.

I write this to share a priceless experience, an epiphany I recently had where a valuable lesson was revealed that freed me from a barbed anchor that weighed heavy in my heart for the majority of my adulthood. This awakening allowed me to resuscitate an invaluable love that laid dormant in my soul for many years when I visited my ninety-one year old father who has lived out of state for most of my life and is now in a convalescent home due to the need for constant medical care. I was about six years old when my parents separated and since then, never had my father again. For most of my life I’ve carried much anger and resentment that manifested into anti-social behavior as a young man and don’t know what did more damage, him leaving or leaving me with the memories of a man I never wanted to be.

As I arrived at his room and walked to his bedside, the man I remembered as muscular and intimidating, was now weak and harmless. The man who walked in self confidence and answered to no one, now required twenty-four hour care to eat, bathe, and use the toilet. The man whose hand delivered so much “discipline” was now clinging to a bed rail for stability. The man whose angry voice struck fear in my heart was now soft and passionate as he opened his eyes with a growing smile the moment he saw me as he said “my son” with such a melodious and heartfelt tone and at that moment granted me the precious gift of new memories of my father.

It’s important I stop here to acknowledge there were also good memories, unfortunately it’s the bad ones that seem to cast the larger shadow and tend to linger much longer but amazingly my father is no longer the man he used to be, something supernatural occurred in his heart years ago that changed his life forever and was instrumental in the healing of our family. He gave his heart and life to Christ. I didn’t say he found religion, that would lessen and over simplify the transformation, he boldly lived his life as a man who knew where his hope and strength came from and after all these years, I am proud to call him my father.

Maybe the emotional disconnect was from feeling he had nothing of value to offer and found conversation difficult, or feeling he lost the connections of a healthy father and son relationship. I will never know the reasons, but I do know this experience has shown me the greatest gift I can leave for those I love are the memories I purposely continue to create that will leave a fragrance of my love for them, but mainly my attempt to right the wrongs that injured them along the way by planting new gardens to bring life to the destitute soil of the past.

Mr. Hyde

“You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this and you will find your strength.”

— Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor, 121-180 A.D.

The classic “The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” was a 1886 novel by Scottish author Robert Louis Stevenson. It follows Gabriel John Utterson, a London-based legal practitioner who investigates a series of strange occurrences between his old friend, Dr. Henry Jekyll, and a murderous criminal named Edward Hyde. Stevenson was intrigued by the idea of how personalities can reflect the interplay of good and evil and display of men’s cowardice and cruelty that exists in the extreme edges of a healthy balance between civility and brutality. In Freudian theory, the thoughts and desires banished to the unconscious mind motivate the behavior of the conscious mind and according to clinical psychologists, banishing evil to the unconscious mind in an attempt to achieve perfect goodness can result in the development of a Mr. Hyde-type aspect to one's character.

Men’s instinctive sense tells us being incapable of cruelty is a higher moral being than someone who is capable of a dominate assertiveness which may appear to be cruel, but psychologist tells us this is an incorrect and dangerous position to take because if you are not capable of being assertively firm, you are then a victim to anyone who is and it’s critical to integrate this characteristic into our being. This is why we cheer for anti-heroes because we subconsciously connect with the beast within them we see as strength of character and self-respect that we will never experience until we as men, grow teeth that bite and realize we can be seriously dangerous. Only then can we treat ourself with respect and others will do the same.

Having a dangerous persona isn’t the default response in any situation. Being able to be dangerous, versus not being dangerous is much more effective in a masculine role than not being able to be dangerous at all. How could you protect loved ones against emotional, verbal, and physical attack? If civil conversation can thwart the threat, wonderful, but if it doesn’t, then your next move will determine if you can be a force to be dealt with or be the victim. Much like training in boxing and martial arts, you aren’t pursuing a fight, but rather building the skill and courage to avoid elevating conflict so you can respond with confidence and dignity when pushed. Any show of confidence translates into a dominant posture that will be enough to make a “bully” back off and your beast mode will be your best guarantee of peace.

The “Path to Enlightenment” is not pursuing happiness, it’s more a matter of confronting the things you don’t want to face as in most stories of the Knight in shining armor or the fury of a patient man who take their stand against the dragons and the brutal authorities, seeing the weakness in their masculinity and finding the gateway to the man God created to perpetuate in the lives of their sons, grandsons, and great-grandsons.

If you doubt your manliness, you need only believe what is already true of you. You were created to be a man who knows his role and proceeds to act it out. Even a man the world considers weak and feeble can be stronger than many in the world if he believes the mantle given to him comes with the ability from God alone to fulfill that role in this world.

You don’t need to take yourself into the wilderness or wait for a heavenly voice to convince your soul you are a man and don’t have to wait for your father or father figure to bestow “manhood” upon you. You don’t have to prove you have what it takes to do whatever the world or yourself deems is manly. Masculinity is given by God and only to us men, and we are required live it out Biblically rather than perverting it and redefining it in worldly, carnal, and selfish terms.

Where do we start? Act the manly part – let nothing effeminate, luxurious, sickly, childish, narrow be seen about you. Christianity makes men, not babes. Display manliness in the church, the world, business, conversation, prosperity, and adversity by acting like the man God created in His image, which is to be loved because of your compassion and feared because of your might.

Worry

Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.” ― Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor (121 - 180 A.D.)

Worry. As men, it’s possible to experience it at many different levels as “heads of our household”. Some worry is practical as when you have a deadline to meet and you have some control over it, and others are hypothetical in that you can never be truly prepared for the countless combinations of outcomes. Worry is plainly a misuse of our productive and intricate imagination.

If you happen to be of the opinion that “worry is just a waste of time”, know that worry can also be healthy. It pushes us as men to find a solution to real and present problems which is what we are built for and are also expected by others to have all the answers for whatever life throws at us. But when you worry about things that are beyond your control it can severely impact your mental health and outlook towards life in general and can set a tone for friendship and family dynamics.

Worrying about tomorrow’s troubles never makes them lighter, they only become heavier with each passing moment, making our journey even more dark and unpleasant than it has to be. It is said worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength. If the problem can be solved, why worry? If the problem cannot be solved, then worrying will do you no good.

Worry divides the mind and we know a divided mind fights against itself. One side leads you to believe you are doing something productive by trying to find solutions to a lot of “what if’s”. The other opposing thought is not so much thinking about responding to the future, but only how you can control it. The activity of worry keeps you immobilized and only pretends to be necessary. It is spiritual short-sightedness in a created and temporal world that will continue to move forward regardless of the outcome. It is a thief that robs you of today’s sunshine, of practical solutions, encouragement from friends and family, and ultimately from learning to be that kind of man you want next to you in a crisis.

It’s ok to worry if it fuels hard work and perseverance, or if it compels you to resolve yourself to faith in God’s providence. Worry represents an attempt to engage in mental problem-solving on an issue whose outcome may be an uncertain “roll of the dice” which can contain the possibility of one or more negative outcomes as well. We tend to think the worst so that we can prepare the best. Stop worrying about what can go wrong and get excited about what can go right! Allow an equal amount of positive outcomes as the other real possibility.

Worrying and irritation vanish into thin air when you look back at situations you were sure would be the gravestone of your worst fears fulfilled and then realize the good fortune and blessings that carried you through each and every one of them. Thankfulness and gratitude are the enemy of worry and discontent and just as no amount of guilt can change the past, no amount of worrying can change the future.

If you are wise and truthfully seeking answers, worry can elevate your spiritual experience with our Creator if you are already aware of the eternal soul that dwells within you. Know that worry in itself is not a substitute for prayer. Worry is a starting place, but not a staying place. Worry invites us into prayer. As a staying place, worry can be self-indulgent, paralyzing, draining, and controlling. When I take worry into prayer, it doesn't disappear, but it becomes surprisingly smaller and as I see the lesson in the results, my strength and conviction is even more invulnerable for the next crisis.

Compromise

““Be careful not to compromise what you want most for what you want now””

— Zig Ziglar

Is compromise always a good thing? Is trying to find a “middle” or “common” ground to agree upon beneficial when it comes to basic principles and moral obligation? Some take pride in being able to “wheel and deal” to compromise in any stalemate, but it must be remembered that any strength becomes a weaknesses when we overplay them. There are many areas where compromise is an option as much as there are many more areas where compromise is not an option when it comes to a man’s character and integrity.

In a marriage, compromise is not an option when it comes to demonstrating the discipline of love, nurturing a life long commitment, and being an example to watchful eyes. Compromising as to where to eat, how much to spend, and finding common ground in similar oppositions are necessary to keep the peace in any relationship. When principles and moral obligation are sacrificed, it is a short-lived achievement because when you compromise your principles to achieve your dreams you will soon learn that success without character is no success at all.

If you have conditioned yourself to always live in compromise, just remember anybody who accepts mediocrity - in relationships, on the job, in life - is a person who compromises, and when we as men compromise, all who look to us for direction will also compromise. Compromise is a sign you will pass on the way to mediocrity. Sometimes compromise is necessary as long as you don’t give up who you are because that’s not compromise, that’s personal spiritual death.

The time is come when we ought to hear about the duties and responsibilities we have as men because compromise is based on give and take, but there can be no give and take on the character and integrity you seek to define yourself as a man. Any compromise on your integrity is a surrender, because it is all give and no take.

Almost every compromise is a small one that is easily justified, be mindful the downhill slide is usually a result of many little compromises which can also include compromising for the sake of needing to be liked by everyone. When you have to start compromising yourself or your morals for the people around you, it’s probably time to change the people around you, but don’t compromise who you are to satisfy the ones who are always trying to change you. They will always be disappointed in your efforts because it doesn’t meet the definition or standards of their own imperfect expectations.

We as men carry the weight and responsibility for the compromise we make in our lives. Our core values act like our internal compass which navigates the course of our life, if we compromise our core values, we go nowhere. Compromise limits the choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, when we disconnect ourself from what we truly want, all that is left is a compromise and that is like the middle of the road and sometimes it’s safer to walk on the edges to avoid potential injury.

What happens when “compromise” is the only choice? Compromise in your arguments, not in your expectations. This may mean not bending to the will or standards of another and never coming to an agreement that both parties are satisfied with. Unless you are able to establish your own “boundaries”, you will always have to define the ethics by which you choose to live by.

The world we live in is not much different than the world one hundred years ago. Evil grows exponentially with the decline of moral standards and acceptance to principles of the world around us. Whenever evil wins, it is only by default; by the moral failure of those who evade the fact that there can be no compromise on basic principles of spiritual truths because there can be no compromise when it comes to corruption.

It is said “Compromise” is usually a sign of weakness or an admission of defeat and strong men don’t compromise and principles should never be compromised. Be warned, if compromise is your “path of lease resistance”, compromising is obscuring the trail you will leave others to follow. 

Expectations

“I am not in this world to live up to other people’s expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine.”

— Fritz Perls. (Psychiatrist, Psychoanalyst, Psychotherapist (1893-1970)

Have you ever looked forward to anything pleasant and found you were more or less disappointed? The upside to this is that bad things don’t always come up to our expectations either, they nearly always turn out much better than we anticipated. Life is largely a matter of expectations and it is a much better place when all you have is hope, without any expectations.

A life that is burdened with what you expect is a heavy life and it’s fruit is sorrow and disappointment so it isn’t fair to blame others for letting you down, blame yourself for expecting too much from them. Besides, expectations are meaningless to those who have already mislead you and expecting any different is nothing more than premeditated resentment.

Granted, there are legitimate expectancies we should have from others. When love is involved, there are also moral obligations to fulfill the mutual commitment of trust and respect to name a few. Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them but unmet expectations can drain the life from a relationship where neither are capable of fulfilling their needs. Expectations will feed frustration, it is an unhealthy attachment to people, things and outcomes that we wish we could control; but can’t.

One of the biggest killers to our success, whether in work or in relationships, is expecting a favorable outcome rather than working towards it. I've learned, after countless years, that the key to happiness is having low expectations and that there is no shame in keeping my anticipations high on achievement but low on people. Peace begins when expectations end. When you raise expectancies of yourself, you lower the disappointments from others and having hopeful intentions of others means you’re trying to fix their lives. Don’t do that, fix your own and remember the actions of others are always on their terms. Rewire your thinking to expect more from yourself than others, though expectations from others hurt a lot, expectations from yourself inspire a lot.

As I look back over my life, I can relive the missed opportunities of times I could have stopped expecting others to be perfect so I can like them for who they really are. Now I see that when I held others to my own sense of decency, I subconsciously limited their actions to my own flawed image of “honorable behavior”. The wisdom in the old saying “Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he will never be disappointed” has never been clearer.

Aligning expectations with our own reality is the first step towards aligning a “plumb line”, a foundation on which to build. The world which you live and work is a mirror of your attitude and expectations and when we have high expectations of ourselves, it tends to bleed over to those around us and this is the weakness of an overused strength. 

Expectations of myself will always exceed those that are put on me and in all honesty, the pressures of meeting others’ expectations also pushes me in a positive direction. If I can’t hold myself to the same requirements I want from others, then I only demean the virtue I am trying to invoke in others.

Be aware that expectations are a double edged sword. You have to constantly work towards  what’s expected of you, as well as working against who you never want to be. Ultimately, there is a sense of victory when you let go of your expectations, especially when others still hold you to theirs.

I have found in my long life, there are two ways to be happy; improve my reality or lower my expectations and let every situation be what it is instead of what I think it should be. Simplicity in life is not the goal, it is only the by-product of integrity, good planning, and modest expectations. Without those critical fundamentals, expectations in and of themselves are nothing more than disappointment and heartache in the making.

Five Minutes

“All that really belongs to us is time; even he who has nothing else has that. ”

— Baltasar Gracian, Spanish Jesuit, Writer and Philosopher (1601-1658)

What would you do if you had only five minutes to live? If you were strapped in an airplane that lost its engines and was on a clear course straight into a mountain side in the next five minutes, what would your final wish be? Thankfully if you’re reading this, you’re not having to worry about being in such a crisis...or are you?

This sentiment of “what would you do if you only had one day to live” has been touted so much that it has lost it’s significance. We all know no one is promised the next day, let alone the next second. No one understands the fragility of life until they find themselves in a situation where either they, or someone they love no longer exists this side of heaven. There are those who I’ve lost in my life who I wished I could’ve taken more time with when they called just to check on me when I was “busy”. Wished I stayed for an extra cup of coffee when I stopped by for a visit, listened to the stories told over and over of the memorable moments in their own lives, and stepped outside of my comfort zone to hug or say “I Iove you” as I looked into their eyes. 

If you only had five more minutes to exist in the world you created, what would you do? In the continuum of time, we tend to look past the present and into the future. A future that is not guaranteed, but a present that surely is. 

I conducted my own experiment of living like I only had five minutes left on this earth and encountered such a overwhelming list of those who have played such a vital role in my life, I ran out of time. Those who taught me life lessons, such as treating me as who I could become and not who I foolishly presented myself as. Those who loved me, not out of obligation but out of a choice to sacrifice their importance to make me feel I was a valued part of their existence. I dove in head first and reached out to those “treasures” who still exist and who took the time for me in their own lives. 

I don’t know what was more fulfilling, the texts and calls I made, or the responses I received from those who have actively reciprocated in my life. As I typed out my texts and made my phone calls, my heart was softened with a much needed deep tissue massage, though uncomfortable, it definitely improved my level of stress and quality of sleep saying “just wanted you to know how much I appreciate you in my life”. To my surprise, the initial list wasn’t as extensive as I thought. The ones who first came to mind were those who actively contributed to my life and not just those who existed on the perimeter of my existence. If you would ask a dying man for his last wish, it’s always to have more time with those he loved and who loved him back.  

In times of solitude of thoughts and emotions, I reminisce about those who carried me through difficult times that may not seem too significant to those who provided counsel, but for me it was the bridge that I needed to continue my journey towards the healing I desperately sought. The extra time spent to make sure I was okay before ending the conversation, the card or text of encouragement, the ‘let’s go out and have fun”, and even the correction when my actions were not becoming of a true gentleman.  

Though I realize I may never measure up to the character of those I admire for their ability to display their genuine love and patience for others, I also recognize the fragilities that exist within me are revealed by the honorable actions of others which allow me to see the weaknesses that have gone unnoticed for years. Only when I can acknowledge my shortcomings as a man of honor and integrity, will I ever be able to sincerely and passionately continue my journey towards becoming the better man I was created to be.

The Price of Peace

“A peacemaker does not mean a peaceful person.”

— Lanza del Vasto, Italian philosopher (1801-1981)

Peace as defined is a freedom from disturbance and a feeling of tranquility. Truth be told, when it comes to “peace”, a false sense of security is all there really is. We pursue peace thinking this is where we can be the most effective in our relationships and be the optimum to become our best self as a man. 

There is a hidden danger when peace resides undisturbed in your life. It is said the faster men sleep through life and the more secure they are, the greater the risk. Principalities of evil ruins men by rocking them asleep during time of serenity, flattering them into a good opinion of their own safety and so bringing them to drop their guard and fear nothing. This is when the evil of this world robs men of our strength, honor and dignity.

When we understand that peace is not so much an absence of misfortune, but the result of how we respond consciously and rationally to any crisis, then we can weather any and all types of downpour safely within the security of our own intellectual and emotional storm shelter. There, in spite of the turmoil that may surround us, we can be insulated enough to reflect on the wisdom that reminds us there are times when fear or absence of peace is actually a good thing for us men, because its during this time when a defensive posture acts as a Watchman at the heart’s controls to monitor our level of stress and emotional stamina.

Maintaining peace doesn’t always mean being silent or staying “under the radar”. It requires courage to engage in a level of disagreement necessary to stand your ground for integrity and stability for more than just yourself in order to minimize the damages the actions of others can bring to you and your household. The prerequisite of peace is bravery to confront that which threatens harmony within your sphere of influence. One drawn sword keeps another’s sheathed.

If we fall for deceptive thinking that material or relational possessions is what will lead us towards a life of peace and tranquillity, we will soon find out the more we value things outside of our control, the less control we actually have. If we choose to do nothing to contribute towards peace in our lives and just stand by to let providence and hope take its course, then we will also find out when its much too late that wishful thinking can be the worst of all evils, because it can also prolong the torments we experience.

I realize there is so much that is out of our control when it comes to finding and managing peace in our lives, so then what can we do as men to find more of it? How can we develop into being not only peacemakers, but also peace keepers? It starts with realizing that the independence of our actions are also what necessitates laws to safeguard us from ourselves. We need to understand the gravity of our choices as we pursue true peace in our life. There are two freedoms - the false where a man can do what he likes; the true, where he is free to do as he ought.

When you rush into situations to create a false sense of peace and security, there will be little wonder why you become vulnerable to more unrest. Peace cannot be achieved by chance or force, only by understanding and moral truths. Next is knowing that you cannot experience peace without providing it because there is no pathway to peace, it is what you’ll need to start with to achieve it. Peace is not an absence of conflict but the ability to cope with it. There is no inner peace without outer peace and the concept of “trying” will create trials and tribulations, whereas the act of “doing” will provide growth and opportunity.

My fellow man, you have two basic options; deny the unpredictability of life and create your own false sense of security, or accept the vagaries of life and learn to live with them. It’s not about finding yourself, but more about creating yourself. What you leave behind is not what is engraved in a headstone, but what is planted into the lives of others.

Kind

“Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”

— Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Being described as a “nice guy” is a term used by others who can only provide a general description of a man’s character. I have come to realize that being known as a “nice guy” isn’t the perception I really want others to use to describe me as a man. Why? I think being “nice” conforms to perceived societal expectations to not rock the boat. In a society where the line of masculinity has been blurred with “toxic masculinity”, we have diluted our expectations of what a real man behaves like in these current times that need the leadership of what only a man can provide. 

Why is “nice” the first descriptive phrase used? Because it is always easier to be nice than kind. Nice is when you meet someone for the first time and you behave as such the gentleman. Kind is when you are on the freeway and you see someone in need and you have to get off at the next exit, wait in traffic and find the next on-ramp to stop and see how you can help. Kindness requires much more, because it requires that which is most valuable to us, our time and convenience.

Is it possible to be “nice” and “kind”? Yes, but the difference is niceness is passive while kindness is an action. I’ll explain; a “nice” man can lack self-worth and won’t express himself authentically for fear of conflict. The people pleasing tendencies of “nice” can be rooted in selfishness—acting inauthentically as a tool of self-preservation through approval and recognition by other men. Nice perpetuates the status quo. When we as men are only “nice”, we may not feel safe within ourselves. 

Whereas kindness is rooted in the abundance of love for others at whatever risk necessary, niceness is rooted in a lack of confidence and fear of the world around us. Niceness projects itself through the lingering pain of unhealed wounds and accompanying low sense of self-worth. Kindness doesn’t care what other men think. A kind person believes in his own manhood and expresses it authentically. The loving nature of kindness is rooted in selflessness—no approval or recognition required. Kindness not only provides, it also corrects. When we’re nice, we feel safe within ourselves. When we’re kind, we become vulnerable to misinterpretations of our actions, but it doesn’t minimize the results.

Contrary to current philosophy, kindness isn’t making a “deposit” in some one else’s account. It’s more making a donation to a much higher purpose that could pay dividends far beyond what we may expect. Being nice connects to how you want to be seen, kindness connects to who you really are. Kindness in our words create confidence. Kindness in our thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in our giving promotes sacrificial love.

There is much reward in being kind. As the sun melts the ice, kindness can cause misunderstanding, mistrust, and hostility to evaporate in acts of giving of your time. Be kind over being nice and you will be right every time because being nice is a natural ability, but being kind is a supernatural ability. As we light the way for others through acts of kindness, we naturally create light for our own pathway when we choose this action. We make everyone around us a little better and the world that much more promising because no act of kindness, however small is ever wasted and the smallest act of kindness is worth more than the greatest of intentions. 

Kindness has no limitations:

• Nice tells you what it thinks you want to hear. Kind tells you what you need to hear

• Nice talks. Kind acts

• Nice is weak. Kind is strong

• Nice takes. Kind gives

• Nice is submissive. Kind is assertive

• Nice is narcissistic. Kind is empathic

• Nice avoids confrontation and retreats into silence. Kind confronts and protects the innocent

• Nice is cowardly. Kind is courageous

• Nice lacks confidence. Kind is confident

• Nice distances. Kind connects.

• Nice backs down. Kind stands their ground

• Nice seeks approval. Kind is indifferent to approval.

There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will be to treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make a new forest. Kindness, as simple as it appears, is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of this, is the beginning of wisdom.

Motivation

“Discipline is the root of our motivation.”

I remember reluctantly running 5k races for charity, I say reluctantly not because I don’t support charities, but only because when you don’t “enjoy” running, even a hoard of zombies chasing you can make you give up mentally and think “hey, if you can’t beat em, join em, besides I won’t ever have to run again!” But no matter how exhausting it was, the only motivation I ever felt in those many 5k races was when I saw the finish line. When the goal was within reach, I felt the added rush of adrenaline I needed to finish stronger and faster. 

If we shorten our achievements by creating more “finish lines” within our own individual “marathons”, a burst of adrenaline will be more noticeable to get us to the next “finish line” which propels us to feel the ecstasy of busting through the tape and hear the cheers of those who stood by and encouraged you to succeed. Daily “finish lines” are much more achievable than monthly or annual goals and they give you more opportunities to celebrate your accomplishments.  You will also need to remember to run your race outside of the pack and create your own pace. It’s said the person who follows the crowd will only keep up with the crowd. But the one who runs alone will find themselves in a pace that pushes them beyond what they thought was doable. 

Each of us has that one talent, goal, or dream that we constantly wish we had more motivation to fulfill. Whether it’s playing an instrument, working out, starting a career or becoming the man you’ve always wanted to be. The truth, as far as I see it, is motivation is only half of the magic formula. Discipline is the other half, the secret sauce, the main ingredient. We are quick to wish for living a long life, but exclude living a good life. We are quick to wish for riches, but not for enriching others. Quick to be loved unconditionally, but not to love others with abandon. Quick to wish for happiness, but not to be the source of other’s happiness. All these wishes require something from each of us, and that is self-respect. Self-respect is the fruit of discipline; the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself. Everything you have ever achieved has come with a certain amount of “discipline”.

But what if you just “don’t feel like it”? Feelings are just a byproduct of our thoughts and not a trigger to determine our thinking or our actions. External triggers don’t make you feel one way or another, they only reveal what’s already in your heart. You will be known not only by what you believe, but also by what you reject or deny. When your feelings don’t line up with your self-discipline, this is the moment you search within your character and take guidance as a soldier in a battlefield from the only one who cares about you and who holds the key to you being a man of honor, only second to God Almighty, and his name is (insert your name)_________________.

Sure, there could be some mistrust of intuition because of past mistakes, but there is a priceless treasure in searching the imperfections of our being. The disappointment in our own failings compels and drives us to be exactly who we were created to be. There are more lessons to be learned from our losses then there are from our gains. We all wear the scars of our past mistakes and miscalculations of good intentions, but as there is no part of your skin that is stronger than where scar tissue has grown, there is nothing stronger than a broken man who has rebuilt himself. 

New beginnings occur every second of every hour. Everything starts with a beginning and it’s never too late to create yours. Accomplishments and failures all have a beginning. Today can be the start of your journey to earn the respect and admiration of those you care for and who care about you. Remember that motivation keeps you going, but only discipline keeps you growing.  

Venomous

I’ve been around long enough to know you don’t bring up sex, politics, or religion in a conversation unless you’re ready to drink from a fire hose of differing opinions. For reasonable men, honest differences are a sign of progress when we realize we’ll never learn anything if we think we understand everything too soon.

I have been trying to be extra careful not to conduct myself as I have seen highly respected people do in spewing poisonous opinions in an effort to make others see things their way. High thoughts must have high language that are undergirded with reason and tolerance and not with emotion and cliche’ remarks. I realize my own “well thought out” beliefs may come across as ignorant or repulsive to someone on the other end of the spectrum of a certain conviction, and that’s ok because I can’t control the verbal assault of others; but pursuing a noble character enables me to disregard them.

As I look back on my own perceived personal or high profile “archenemies” I realize I may have disliked someone because I did not know them; and I will not know them because I disliked them. It’s a perfect recipe for perpetual ignorance and pride by being satisfied with my own opinions and content with my own knowledge. The opinionated animosity I may carry for someone who doesn’t even know I exist, does far more damage to me than to them, anyway, I think it’s much more important to be judged, not by my opinions, but what my opinions have made of me.

When we publicly demonstrate our visceral dislike for someone, we measure ourselves by our own flawed yard stick of false righteousness and imitation of what integrity really is. The world is a tragedy to those who put too much emphasis on emotion, but a comedy to those who challenge their feelings with intellect, besides, before God we are all equally wise, and equally foolish. I try to be careful not to put too much confidence in information that feeds my point of view, because learning does not necessarily teach understanding and learning doesn’t start with finding middle ground, its always about finding common ground first to build upon.

I’ve seen it all around me (God forgive me if I have been one of them) and unfortunately from those who I admire, comments that are meant to inflict damage if you believe differently, the anonymous attacks from the cover of social media, condescending comments for having an opinion, and total disregard for a differing thought. These dishonest attempts to “enlighten” others do not to create remedies for healing our brokenness, but only aggravate it by spitting out venom of discord and division to whoever is in earshot. I realize this in itself may bring a rise out of someone who mistakenly thinks this is about them, it’s about all of us to some degree, but sometimes remaining silent is just an excuse of the fearful.

In my journey to become a better man, I must decide to be entirely tolerant or not at all, follow the good path of character and integrity, or the path that leaves destruction and is devious in its “rationalized” approach. It’s the devil all over again in the wilderness offering each of us opportunities to establish our own version of a righteous kingdom. If we choose to stand at the crossroads of tolerance and intolerance, it will require more strength than you or I possess. The more we serve our own needs and beliefs, the further we believe that we are entitled to even more.

Happiness

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”

— Jonathan Saran Foer

We’re all familiar with the phrase “...and they lived happily ever after”. We know that phrase is used at the end of almost every traditional fairy tale we’ve heard. Girl loses her shoe, the Prince forgets what she looks like but finds her by trying on shoes and makes her his Princess. Girl lives with dwarfs, gets permanent narcolepsy and is awakened by a magical kiss are a few examples of happy endings. Yet somehow we believe fairy tale endings should be a given in real life relationships, regardless of the effort we put into achieving that highly sought after epilogue. A comedic approach is the wife says “All I want is a happy marriage!” And the husband responds “Make up your mind, do you want to be happy or married!?” We know in any relationship, the ultimate goal is to be happy. Everyone wants to be “happy”. Yet, either we’re not willing to put the work into creating our own “happily ever after” or we just don’t know how to do it. 

Let me preface what I’m about to say with this, I am far from being a marriage expert and from a guy who hit the snooze three times on his alarm this morning, I am not a motivational speaker either. But I believe I have a perspective that will help anyone in a relationship that I heard from a Pastor during the vow renewal ceremony of my sister and brother-in-law’s 25th anniversary. His words still resonate whenever I need to encourage myself, or when sharing this wisdom with anyone who would ask for helpful marriage advice. The Pastor said: “Marriage was never intended for bliss. It was intended for growth. When you grow together, therein you will find your happiness.” Wait, what? You mean I have to continually evaluate my convictions and learn to live outside of my comfortable cocoon? 

I had my own ideas of dealing with conflict early in my marriage. I would go for a run whenever the wife and I had a quarrel to relieve my stress. But I found myself wearing out at least two pairs of running shoes every month so that wasn’t a justifiable remedy. I look back on some of the things I stubbornly held onto for the sake of “that’s just who I am” and “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” with regret. 

I have come to realize my wife’s requests to drop bad habits or unflattering traits haven’t made me any less of a man. On the contrary it has made me an improved version of myself, a better man. There’s a saying that woman could not compete with man’s strength, so God gave her intuition. As much as I may resist, I believe my wife’s intuition could be God’s chisel that breaks away the rough edges I cannot see and ultimately makes our journey towards achieving that happy ending seem much more tangible and within reach.

What does this process of growing together look like? I guess the simplest way is to take a step back and let someone grow from their own lapse of judgment and indiscretions. Not every mistake or insensitive remark requires a corrective response or belabored disappointment. Idiosyncrasies and annoying habits were probably already there when you first met, but they were overlooked because you saw so much more to admire about them. I know when I behave badly, being alone with my own conscience convicts me more than someone else’s words ever could. Most times, allowing me to wallow in my own mud is the best response my wife could give to de-escalate the situation. 

We know there are an infinite number of ways to pursue happiness and as the saying goes, “How do you eat an elephant?” Sure, salsa would help, but you do it one bite at a time. Every personal or professional quest is just an accumulation of small steps. Growing in a relationship you value has a ripple effect that reaches far beyond your own objectives and happiness. When you’re committed to each other you preach the gospel of true love to others and you bless the lives of those who are loving you.

Paradise

“A unique trait of character is that it is only revealed by the actions you choose to take.”

— D. Munoz

Once there was a man who was finding it very difficult and frustrating in finding peace or purpose in his life. Day after day, the pressures and demands of his responsibilities started to take its toll on his own joy and happiness. One day he walked out on the beach to clear his mind, and as he looked out past the waves and into the horizon, he noticed a beautiful island filled with lush gardens, waterfalls, fruit trees, beautiful birds of all colors, and calm waters.

He thought to himself: "If I could swim to that island, I may be able to finally live in peace and find purpose to make my life complete.” So on that day, he jumped into the water and battled the waves and tide that kept pushing him back to land. After days of swimming and on the verge of collapsing, he was finally able to see the waves lapping up on the island shore and could hear the soothing sound of waterfalls and the exotic singing of beautifully colored birds in the lush forest trees. Exhausted and exhilarated, he swam faster to finally reach the island and said to himself: "Yes! This is where I belong!" On his first day he ate the sweet fruit, swam under the crystal blue waterfalls, napped in the shade of the palm trees and enjoyed the peace and freedom from the monotony and struggles of life he once knew. On the second day he did the same, he swam, ate the exotic fruits, watched the birds as he did on the third, fourth, fifth day and throughout the days and months that followed.

As the years passed, he found he was not as agile to climb the trees to pick its sweet fruit or to swim for very long because it became too strenuous in his older age. The melodious songs of the multicolored birds no longer pleased him like they used to and the alluring sound of waterfalls had lost their magic. As he strolled on the shore, he thought about how lonely his life had become on the island that was suppose to be his paradise and how much he needed others in his life to care for and to care for him as well. As he stood on the shore of his island, he could see in the far distance the life he once knew and thought about all he gave up to try and escape his difficulties. 

He realized he had been gone long enough that others had probably stopped looking for him and had carried on with their own lives. He thought to himself at that moment, "How can I swim back to be close to those I care about? I am no longer as strong as I once was. How can I call out to them when my voice is weak and fragile? Maybe that which drew me here was only intended for a period of my life and not to be how I should leave this world."  A profound sense of wisdom came over him. He realized the challenges and struggles he faced were only meant to strengthen his character and lead the way for those he loved, and that character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through the experience of trial and suffering is the soul strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. 

He looked across the sea to the life he left and all the comforts he had grown to love and was now longing for those he left behind. He ran stumbling to the island shore and cried out: “I am here! I am here!" Over and over again he called out but only heard the crash of the waves in response. After days of calling out to the life he once knew, he decided he would rather take the chance and trust in the strength he had left to swim back to the distant shore he once called home than to continue to be alone in what he thought was his personal paradise. On that day, he jumped into the water and swam against the waves and tide that kept pushing him back to the island shore. What seemed like minutes, turned to hours, what seemed like hours turned to days, and what seemed like days turned to years. With his last breath of strength and half-way to the distant shore, he could swim no more and could only watch as the waves overtook him and pushed him to the ocean floor.

As he sank to the ocean floor, vivid memories of birthday celebrations, laughter, and tender moments of tears and comfort seemed to stop time. His flailing arms gave way to surrender to the life that could have been. Just as he reached up for the last time to the surface light above him, he felt someone take his arm. As his last breath left his lungs, another hand held his waist. As the hope of feeling the touch of those he loved was ripped from his heart, and just as he lost consciousness, he felt yet more hands reach out to hold his head and body above the rough waters.

As he awoke on the shore of the life he once knew, he found himself surrounded by all those he had once left behind. Between his tears of joy and relief he cried out: "How did you know I was out there!? How did you ever know I was trying to swim back to you!?" And lastly, with touching humility he asked softly: "How could you still want to help me?" As they cradled him in their arms, they told him: "We never stopped missing you. We never stopped loving you and we never stopped listening for your call. We all have learned to live in anticipation for the day you would reach out to us so we could help you find your way back home to us. All you ever had to do was just meet us half-way."

We spend the first half of our lives making mistakes, and the second half trying to make up for them all. It’s never too late to be who you’ve always wanted to be.

Broken

“Happy is the man who has broken the chains which hurt the mind, and has given up worrying once and for all.”

— Ovid, Roman Poet (43 BC - 17 AD)

I have a few valuable keepsakes such as a ceramic figurine which has been passed on from my grandmother and drawings by my children and grandchildren that bring sentimental tears to my eyes as I remember days gone by. These items aren’t worth anything to anyone but me but I would glue, tape and whatever else was needed to fix and preserve them because of the significance they have in my life.

Sadly, I don’t seem to have the same urgency to fix other “broken” things in my life which are just as, if not more significant to me. I tend to limp my way through broken relationships, broken promises, broken expectations and then expect emotional pain, bitterness and resentment to never show itself in my character as I try my best to be a better man. As the items I mentioned were worthy of preserving, likewise, there are those who wait for me to fix what they love and hold dear to their hearts because of the significance I may hold in their lives.

The longer I live, the more I realize brokenness is a requirement for maximum usefulness and my idea of perfect people, are only beautiful versions of brokenness. I’ve been broken when pushed just beyond the limits of my physical or emotional capacity which then hurls accusations of weakness and worthlessness. As a broken bone or broken heart, the resulting scar tissue makes it more resistant to a repeated injury, but the truth is the world breaks everyone. In the repairing process, I must be careful not to underestimate the need to glue the right pieces back where they belong because if I don’t take the time to properly mend what was broken, and avoid prolonging the restoration by dwelling on the why or whom of my hurt, my brokenness will never recover properly and my purpose in life will be greatly compromised.

Whether a physical or emotional brokenness, the effort to fit into social circles and appear whole and unbroken is futile because we live in a damaged world full of damaged people. I continually remind myself to never lose hope because I can never be irreparably broken, besides, my brokenness has always been a better bridge to connect with others than my “pretend wholeness” ever was.

Regardless of the cause of brokenness, I view it as a constant reminder to fortify the “chink in my armor” to protect me from further damage with a warning of the brokenness that will never heal is the one I refuse to acknowledge. If I cannot speak of my own brokenness, it will speak for me. Understanding my own areas of brokenness releases the power and strength of compassion and mercy to learn what otherwise would never be understood as I begin to recognize the weaknesses that connect me to everyone else. Many times blessings are realized through a brokenness that could not come any other way.

Those who care for you are not fooled by the flaws or mistakes you make, they remember your worth when you feel worthless; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you’ve lost your way. Wholeness does not mean perfection, it means embracing brokenness as an integral part of life.

The world only wants the strong, the successful, the victorious, the unbroken. The humble and virtuous man extends his heart and hand to the scarred and those who have failed. Heaven is filled with earth's broken lives and there are none that its power cannot restore from a life crushed by pain, sorrow, or physical limitations to create a monument for restoration to those who struggle with similar inadequacies.

The power of surrounding yourself with other flawed people is they understand the healing comes with embracing their deficiencies. In this world, we are all unfinished and unfixed and the reality is we can only discover who we truly are in our brokenness. One person’s rejection does not symbolize the opinion of the world unless you have given them the power to speak for the world. In the end, we're all just broken humans intoxicated on the idea that healing can only come from without.

Grief

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.”

— Anonymous

Grief does not change you, it only reveals who you are. Over the course of my life I have experienced the deaths of many loved ones and though the immediate sting varied in intensity, the pain still enveloped me with a sense of disaster and hopelessness.

In my losses I have been made keenly aware that the measure of love determined the level of suffering and that time is not the remedy for healing, but only a vehicle to adjust to a “new normal”. Whether it be a parent, spouse, child or sibling, the loss awakens you to a deeper understanding of how much more you could’ve given and how your imperfect love could still fill their heart with a sense that they were important to someone.

The reality is that you will always grieve. Time will not bring healing from the loss of a loved one; you will only learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same and you shouldn’t be. The birth of a loved one is a life-changing experience, and so should be the death of a loved one. It should be the trajectory that makes us better examples, better heroes, better men. Losing a loved one should bring you to your knees, and not from the pain of the loss, but from the gratitude of having been able to love someone so significantly in their lifetime, and to expect the pain of death to cease would be to disrespect the gift of life.

Grief can be a burden, but it can also be an anchor that holds you in place to remind you of just how fragile and precious life is. It is the weight that keeps you firmly planted to propel you to live in an exalted and enhanced way of loving others. If you believe you could not live with such a pain I am sorry, such pain is not lived with, it is only endured. Grief is the agony of an instant, but to indulge yourself in grief is the blunder of a lifetime. Heartache has it’s designated time in our lives and if you carry the pain too long, then the world becomes the enemy and you can find yourself in a perpetual downward spiral of loneliness, despair, and disappointment. Giving up your grief is yet another kind of mandatory death required for the living.

When you lose someone you love, you have to reassess your picture of the world and your place in it. The more your identity was wrapped up with that particular loved one, the more difficult the healing will be and the struggle is the more their memory feels like home, the more your mind finds its way back to them when it wanders. Those who are capable of intense love will also suffer intense sorrow, but this same necessity and strength of love serves to counteract grief and can bring healing if allowed. 

Death abducts the dying and grief steals from the living. We perpetuate death by neglecting those that are left behind then we ask of God innocently to take away this grief. But it belongs to you. Only time and tears lessens grief; that is what grief is, just as love is unique, treasured and sought after. It may be another year without a loved one, but the truth of the Gospel tell us, it may be another year without them but it’s another year closer to being with them again in a place where time no longer exists. 

Grief needs an outlet to bring about the healing you desperately seek. Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak only burdens the heart with words that were always meant to be spoken to the one you loved, but never were. Grief is not intended to be a place to exist, only a natural passageway you will need to travel to avoid becoming another casualty to those who are grieving with you.

Monsters

“Men heap together the mistakes of their lives and create a monster they call destiny.”

— John Oliver Hobbes (1867-1906)

I had a vivid imagination as a child and often created scary monsters to battle with my sword during times of make-believe. I remember drawing monsters using the scariest things I could think of which had nothing more than crooked and jagged teeth, a misshapen head and one eye bigger than the other. Hardly qualifying for any horror movie these days. I even had a make-believe monster named “Monster” living in my closet who was from Philadelphia (which was the furthest place I could think of at the time). 

As I outgrew those imaginary fiends, different kinds of monsters came into being outside the innocence of my youth who have been much more furtive and sinister. They are the distorted mutants of what I was created to be that hide inside and rear their ugly heads when I surrender self control to self indulgence. The indulgence in itself may not be considered damaging or selfish, but unless I screen my behavior through the “will I regret my actions?” litmus test, I can be sure I’m feeding the monster that will overpower my inner man leaving me impotent to being the example I am trying so hard to be.  

We all have our ‘inner monsters” who patiently wait to be awakened by dark and destructive desires. Fortunately for us men, there is also an inner warrior always ready for battle to overpower that which we are trying to conquer in our quest to be the man we’ve always wanted to be. But unless we train that inner warrior to identify the enemy, these inborn mutants won’t recognize themselves as monsters because that’s the norm in the world we have allowed them to live in.

The first step in conquering these mutations of what you were created to be is to recall actions that have brought you shame and regret, and please do not mistake a bad memory for a clear conscience. Look within yourself, because a guilty conscience needs no accuser, we never see things as they are, we only see them as WE are. Encourage yourself with things you are proud of and do not to speak badly of yourself for your inner warrior hears your words and is strengthened or lessened by them.

These deviates of our decency can be starved by simply no longer allowing the presence of exaggerated anger, jealousy, resentment, lusts or similarly flawed conditions to exist. Instead, fill your heart with the anti-venom of what is noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy. It’s pure physics, the natural law of displacement simply says you can’t have two things in the same space at the same time and you will always choose either the foe or the friend as the conqueror. 

You are the only person capable of slaying these personal adversaries and you will always win the battle if you choose to practice the law of displacement and fill your heart and mind with that which is virtuous. The required strength will not come from physical capacity but from a visceral will deep within that is waiting to quell that which haunts you when you lay your head down to sleep.

Fortunately, we know the required silver bullet, wooden stake, or torch that will destroy these inner monsters. Unfortunately, there is also a demented gratification in each of us that protects them from the “armed villagers” that also reside inside of us that safeguards their repugnant existence. Just knowing these monsters exist is not enough, we must take a stand and become conscienceless killers of these haters of our character or our significance as men will be diluted, and he who undervalues himself is justly undervalued by others.

You are today from where your thoughts have brought you, tomorrow you will be where your thoughts have taken you. Except for our own thoughts, there is nothing else that is absolutely in our power. Feed your mind with encouraging thoughts, for believing in the heroic makes heroes. 

The Mescalero

As I remember your birthday today, I also mourn the three years since you’ve left this world. I speak of my father-in-law, Carmen. I couldn’t have asked for a kinder, gentler or loving man to have lived with my wife and I during his last years on earth. The influence and value he brought to my life was taken for granted when he was alive, not just for me, but I believe for all who loved him.

Carmen was born and raised on an Apache reservation called Mescalero and when he passed, I wrote this poem for the family as a keepsake and reminder that his spirit will continue to live on in our lives. Little did I know we would be finding “feathers” at the most perfect time and at the most perfect places to let us know he is well and waits for our reunion. I miss you terribly “Pops”.

Son of morning sunlight and brother of the bear

The Mescalero packs his bag in order to prepare

His journey that he walked with others, he must now walk alone

To reach the final destiny, that soon will take him home.

The legs and hands that he once knew, are no longer strong

He perseveres with warrior strength to a distant battle-song

The trail is high and treacherous, with danger on each side

He knows that scaling the mountain side will make him purified.

The bow and staff he always used, were useless now it seems

He now must trust in The Great Spirit who speaks to him in dreams

To guide him to his resting place, made especially for him

Where his ancestors and true love await, along with the cherubim.

Those he left behind to watch, as he faded out of sight

Will forever share his special love and stars that fill our night

While in the storm and dark of night, he reached that sacred place

With arms of strength and legs of steel. Not one wrinkle on his face.

With one last step he found himself taking perfect flight

With eagle’s wings he sailed the sky towards the brilliant light

And as he flew, a feather fell and drifted through the air

To remind us when we see that sign, he’s waiting for us there.   

Warning Signs

“The pride of youth is in strength and beauty, the pride of old age is in discretion.”

— Democritus, Greek philosopher (460 BC - 370 BC)

Some may already be familiar with the story of the man driving down a two lane mountain road and as he approaches a sharp bend up ahead, a woman coming from the opposite direction swerves her car into his lane as she comes out of the curve and almost runs right into him. “Pig!” she yells at him, as she rounds the corner, “Cow!” he yells back feeling smug at the insult she had coming to her, he turns at the bend in the road and runs straight into a pig. 

Sometimes we misinterpret well meaning advice as unsolicited life coaching and we fail to heed warnings from others who have survived perilous situations because we think we’re different and aren’t susceptible to the foolish choices others make. I have been on the receiving end of warnings of potential dangers from those I’ve trusted and respected while traveling on my own road. At times, I’ve taken heed to avoid mishaps, but sometimes in my pride, I have not and suffered for it. 

In our effort to “blaze our own trail” or “take the road less traveled” we as men often blind ourselves to the warning signs others provide to avert us from adversity up ahead. Men like to think we’re the masters of our destiny even in our most weakest and neglected state; and in our instability and depravation we become foolish masters who misgovern their "household". 

Only until we begin to reflect on our condition, search eagerly, and see ourselves in our most vulnerable moments which cause us to cringe with regret, will we then become the wise master who applies his energies with intelligence, and conforms his thoughts to change the core of his being and ultimately, that of others. 

Because each of our lives are filled with daily obligations and responsibilities of the common man, we may not have the luxury of spending much time analyzing the root of our behavior. When you consider most of the valuable treasures known to man are only found by regimented searching and mining, we will also discover riches that lay dormant if we dig deep enough into the mine of our own being. 

In my own personal journey to be a better man, I must allow myself room to grow and to also make mistakes. I mustn't be too lenient on myself or yield to rationalizing self-centered actions that will keep me speeding down a dangerous road or my future sufferings will be greater by ignoring the warnings of common sense as well as from those who have already traveled that highway. The failures that keep me awake at night are the ones where I experienced, but neglected to heed the warning signs evident to everyone but me.

We take many common warnings for granted or may try to heed them at the last minute. Thunder may sound a warning but it’s too late to take shelter from the lightning. The cautionary tales of ancient insight, including biblical writings give each of us a testimony of warnings. It takes discerning and unbiased wisdom to apply these admonitions when they conflict with the desires of our own hearts, but if you choose to ignore them, you may end up in a place you were never meant to experience.

The most common reminder of how little time we have to become better men is fastened on our wrists. The watch we wear is a constant indication that the passing of time goes too quickly and though the regret for the things we did can be justified by time, it is regret for the things we did not do that are inconsolable. Every ending of a good story starts with “once upon a time”, let today be how your “once upon a time” starts and let it start by heeding the warnings of others. 

Last Words

“Words have a longer life than deeds.”

— Pindar, Ancient Greek Poet (522 BC - 443 BC)

I’d like to think my last words on earth will be profound and memorable. Words that will last throughout time and will contain the wisdom and experience of my life to share in a poetically spoken paragraph to leave for future generations as I depart this world. 

The truth is, in my own experience of the deaths I’ve witnessed, there has not been any that have left me instructions for living. It’s almost as if the “soon to be departed” view this current nature of being as a mere vapor not worth mentioning. I often wonder if it’s because in their last days or at that moment of death, a glimpse of the dimension they’re entering assures them of an eternity we could never imagine that will be anything but an ending to their existence. 

I recall the time one of my favorite uncles died after a long illness on a dark and rainy day and the family gathered together in his bedroom for his last moments. Suddenly the clouds immediately broke and sunshine burst right through the window where he laid in bed at the very moment of his death. 

When my loving father-in-law passed in his bedroom, his favorite music played to provide a peaceful send off in his comatose state. We then played the special song he danced to on his wedding day with my mother-in-law who had already passed and after about a minute into their song, he took a deep breath as if sighing over seeing something so beautiful and died. 

When my precious mother passed, she described seeing “Christ coming up over the hill” for her. On the eve of her death and unresponsive, our family stayed by her bedside all night long. Once we had all fallen asleep, she passed and on that very morning a double-rainbow appeared directly over her house as a “God-wink” to us that she was now home.

That’s why I believe our souls continue to live on after our physical death and when I hear of documented last words of those who have already crossed over. It supports my conviction with the only evidence available that we continue to exist beyond the physical world, and the light that extinguishes here on earth is only because it is no longer needed where they are going.  

Many of us may not be given the luxury of leaving last words before departing this world, but those last words which have been documented give us a glimpse into the eternity they were stepping into that challenges most skeptics. 

• Eugene Neil, Playwright Author: “I knew it, I knew it!

• Sam Kinison, comedian and former evangelist, after being mortally wounded in a car accident and while dying in his brother’s arms said: “Why now? I don’t want to die!” He then looked up right before he passed and said: “Oh...okay.”

• Steve Jobs: “Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow.”

• Elizabeth Barret Browning, Author: (when asked how she felt) “Beautiful”.

• Mozart: “The taste of death is on my lips, I feel something that is not of this earth.”

• Anton Szandor LaVey; Founder of the Church of Satan: “I’ve made a terrible mistake.”

We will all meet the same destiny and as I get older, the realization of my mortality becomes clearer and I am overwhelmed by a sense of urgency to be prepared for my last days by trying to make up for all the mistakes of my youth.

As we live day to day, we have many opportunities for “last words”. It could be a parting comment when leaving a gathering, the last word in a disagreement, the mumbling under the breath, or just saying “pleasant dreams” after a long day. The point is we never know what our last words will be. I only need to make sure I will leave comfort and inspiration to those who will be forced to deal with the loss of my existence in their lives.